I'm really doing my best and I'm becoming hopeless

Hi everyone, I’m 26F from the Philippines. I’m not really diagnosed with depression or any mental health condition, but I do notice some signs. I try not to self-medicate and I’m just hoping someday I can afford proper help and support for my mental health.

I’ve been through a lot of difficult and traumatic experiences from childhood up to now.

Right now, what’s affecting me the most is my struggle to find a stable job. For the past 4 years it’s been really hard. On top of that, I was in a long distance relationship for 2 years and it recently ended.

I’ve been trying to lift myself up by focusing on job hunting because I thought it might help me get my confidence back. But I still feel really devastated about the breakup. I honestly thought things were going okay between us. It feels unfair because I’m still grieving and trying to move forward while he already seems happy and is openly showing it. I could give more context but it wouldn’t really change anything because he still hurt me.

What hurts more is realizing that I kind of betrayed myself by staying and trying so hard to make it work. Looking back now, I see how much I tolerated and how I let myself become a punching bag. I believed everything he said that I am a burden and I am a problem.

It made me feel unlovable, like a burden, and honestly stupid. Like also it felt unfair because when he was at his lowest when he had no job, I gave my understanding, my patience, my care and I never left his side but he left me. I know just because I did that he doesn't owe me anything but like the mean things he said, I don't understand why I deserved that.

Sometimes I get frustrated with myself because I am educated, I know I am wise and so I feel like I should have known better.

On top of that, no one in my family knows I’m struggling. They just think I’m quiet or distant. I can’t really open up to them because they are toxic. My father is narcissistic and my mom is emotionally unavailable. Most of my childhood I felt scared and guilty. When I was sexually assaulted by our nanny, they cared more about the family’s reputation and kept it a secret because they found it embarrassing. I had nightmares about it for a long time. and I feel like if I become vulnerable to them they just going to say it's my fault.

Now I’m starting to have nightmares again, about failing and being shouted at. Received all hateful and rude comments. I feel really weak. For the past 3 months I’ve been continueing to apply to jobs consistently but nothing is working out. It’s starting to make me feel really hopeless. Like it's making me feel like I'm incompetent? Also, my mom is constantly telling me that I should stop being jobless already, like I wanted to be like this? No, I don't.

I was strong. I was full of hope and I was really wise. I just wanna be okay again. I really do.