Is it crazy that sometimes I wish I still believed in Islam?

It’s crazy but sometimes I get sad because I wish I was still Muslim. Maybe it’s because I’m around Muslims it seems like I’m outside of a story that everyone around me is still participating in and I just watching from the outside. I also kind of miss being able to look to something bigger that myself and above me and reach out to that I think. And I miss the comfort that came from concept of “Qadar” how everything is already written and what happened was ment to happen. Now I know how chaotic and random/rationless life can be for no bigger purpose, and no reason. I miss believing that although the world isn’t fair and often wronged innocent people, good or bad people would get their justice and reward in the hereafter. Idk sometimes I just miss beliving in all of it. Like was less complicated I guess. But there’s too many pitfalls in islam and I can’t make myself unsee it.