Is it pOCD or I am a pedo? Seek help

This thing is eating me up, and it all started recently. I’m a 19-year-old male.

I’ve already accepted it that I’m sexually attracted to girls 14+, and I find the teenage body more provoking than the adult body. At the same time, I would never date someone younger than 15–16, and only if they were emotionally developed enough so we could have a real connection. And of course, I would never want to have sex with anyone without consent, which in my country starts from 15.

The thing that concerns me most is what appeared recently. For about 4 years now, I’ve felt very unloved and insecure around people my age. I don’t think I’m attractive. I believe I have BDD - I constantly push my lower jaw forward because I feel like it’s underdeveloped and makes my face look ugly. I am going to do plastic surgery too. I don’t feel like girls would truly like me, and I don’t feel wanted or that I get the attention I want from them, especially sexually. I feel like I have 0 control in this area. My self-esteem is very low most of the time, maybe 95% of the time, with occasional short periods where I feel actually good-good. I find myself unwanted, ugly and unloved. I started smoking recently and now I am addicted to it, and also I believe I have a depression, all things point to that, my room is crazy mess right now.

Recently, I also started indulging in taboo porn, like incest porn, because it felt more stimulating. I had some pictures of 15-year-old girls, and sometimes, in those collections, a real CP video would show up (like a clearly small girl). When that happened, I would immediately close it. But I noticed that I don’t always have as strong of a negative reaction as before, which scares me. It still makes me feel horrible that I watched 2 such videos a year ago (one was clearly filmed by pedophiles), that was one year ago and I just watched, felt distressed and quickly forgot, never had a desire to go and watch anything like this again and neither I have it now.

Because of all this porn and excessive masturbation, I don’t find it easy to satisfy myself anymore. The “bar” keeps getting higher. I’ve developed compulsive masturbation habits. I feel stressed all the time, and masturbation is the only thing that gives me relief and helps me forget everything.

But I don't know if all of these problems I have is justifying what follows or has an impact on the overall assessment of whether I am pedo or not. I don't feel like that is good for me to just justify it that way.

Recently, a couple of moments happened that really freaked me out.

One time, I watched an adult porn video where the girl looked very underaged, like 8–10. For some reason, that video turned me on more than anything else, and the thought that she might be underage during masturbation made it even more provoking. After I finished, I felt awful.

Another time, I was scrolling reels right after masturbating, and a young schoolgirl popped up. I felt like I had a small reaction to that, which disturbed me, especially because usually after masturbating nothing turns me on at all.

I don’t know if this is trauma (I’ve never been in a relationship, and I grew up in a family where my mom constantly yelled at me and I never felt loved), or conditioning, or just the result of excessive taboo porn.

I want to be clear: I would never harm anyone, especially not a child. Because of this fear, I even try to avoid places with children, and when I see them, I try not to look.

Sometimes I test myself, which I know is probably bad. For example, I imagine: what if a small girl sat on my knees vs an adult girl, would I get a stronger reaction from the smaller girl? And I feel like maybe yes, a high chance yes, but Idk. Mainly because psychologically I feel like an adult woman wouldn’t want me sexually, while a child wouldn’t judge me. I know how awful that sounds, but it feels like it could realistically be true in terms of power dynamics.

One time there was fantasy involving a 22-year-old woman and a 12-year-old girl turned me on because of like imagined innocence and that it makes her feel good with her sister. Also, once I masturbated to a girl who I later realized was clearly under 14, maybe 11-12, I only realized it after finishing. In that moment, I felt kind of numb, like my brain shut off and I wasn’t thinking clearly, just acting on lust or something. But that doesn’t change the fact that I liked her body. Now that I know her age, I find it disturbing and will not masturbate to that again.

I am really concerned that I have always been a hidden pedo and that just life has before never revealed it to me or that I am becoming one (I chatted with ChatGPT a lot and he said that this is largely impossible to get it by conditioning your brain etc) but I am concerned that if that continues that might be the case. I didn't had these thought when I was with one 17 yo girl who was in kind of friends with benefits relationships with me though, and I find it surprising how much more sensitive after half a month with her (it was my first experience like that) I was, I didn't even need porn.

Yeah, that's it, hope there are people who can help me understand it all and figure this out as it is hard to live with it and if I am a pedo I would really not like to be alive lol. But be true to me and tell me what you think guys need help.

Is it pOCD or it's worse?