sad that I’m losing friends who sided with the narc

After I got discarded, I still maintained my friendship with our mutuals as they’re people I cherish and enjoy spending time with. However, they didn’t know what happened between me and him and I never managed to speak up about it (even til this day), because I just couldn’t get it out of my throat, apart of the reason was that he didn’t want them knowing we dated, my internal fear of them not believing me because he’s so amazing to everyone else, my guilt for not leaving sooner or seeing him for who he was, and just the same at my lack of self respect, if I spoke up.

They pushed a lot of my boundaries as a result (doing/saying things he does because we’re all mutuals so jokes and similar behaviours will spread around the group), and it triggered me severely because I had told them countless times to stop because it made me uncomfortable, but because the issues were so small, they either forgot it just didn’t think it was a big enough issue to stop, so I disappeared for a bit. I reached out after a couple days to apologise and try to mend the friendships but turns out they already talked a bunch of shit about me with him.

Like I don’t know, I know it’s for the best because why would you want to be friends with people who can’t respect you but it’s still so heartbreaking in a way?

And it’s not like it’s something I can brush off, often times I’m so triggered I end up with anxiety attacks and have to take medication to calm myself. I’m on a limited supply with the meds too so I feel even more volatile that I’m not able to control my emotions and the only thing that helps is limited.

It hurts a lot knowing they’re probably saying stuff like how I was crazy and lost my shit over small jokes or how I’m sensitive, when I’m really not.

I’ve read a lot of posts of people with similar experiences to mine, and in all of them, the friends have sided with the abuser. It’s so disheartening, like I don’t know, am I the problem? Why does no one stick with me, it’s not like I talk about him or bad mouth him. I feel like my friends should try to be understanding when I’m triggered by their actions that I’ve told them to stop doing? even if I don’t provide a clear reason as to why, shouldn’t “can you not do that around me, it makes me uncomfortable for reasons I can’t explain right now” be enough?

It’s actually getting to my head, but I’m trying not to feed into that. Overall, I’m just sad, but I’m trying to make peace with it.