the pain of not being loved.

note : i don't believe I'm unlovable. i think I'm an awesome person. I have habits & aspiring career.

i read this novel "the silent patient", where our character mentioned something about himself — the pain of not being loved. it stick with me because this is something that touched my heart.

I've been feeling it a lot lately. how it feels to be not loved. i had childhood in rough household stricken with the poverty. i was not the priority in my environment. i learnt about attachment theory & how childhood affects the adults because of heartbreak. I'm 20 now, not loved by anyone else. family's love has been toxic & now I'm a grown adult & alone. it feels terrible. i keep myself busy with working on career or my hobbies but this stings sometimes. how it feels to be not loved by anyone, how it feels to only recieve toxic love. how it feels to be alone while your peers having their lives . i don't look ugly, i look average. I also spent my school years prioritising studies with no date mindset, i didn't know college years will be tougher & alone. Covid killed my social skills, when i entered the college, i couldn't talk to people, i had to learn & put efforts to communicate. feels sucks to be appreciated by nobody.