I don’t know

Where do I even start , it’s been years since we last talked and even more since we broke up, I’ve moved on to different people and so have you , hell you’re pregnant, due any day now , but I still think about you all the time and I hate it. Maybe I hate you too or maybe I hate myself for loving you and letting you hurt me over and over . I’ve never recovered from it , I don’t even recognize myself anymore bc I completely lost who I was before you . You controlled me , controlled who I talked to , when I went to sleep , where I went , what I did and I can’t fully blame you because I let it happen but I was just a kid , we both were just two highschool kids . I had never been in love before I had never had to draw that line . It shouldn’t have went on aslong as it did but hell I was inlove, some of me still loves you . I remember the late nights when I snuck over , we did the deed and would talk and cuddle after . My connection to you I havnt found with anyone else and I miss that feeling. I wish I could fix that . I remember our last night together cuddling at 3 am you told me how you couldn’t wait for us to grow up and get married and move away from this place because your parents , my parents wouldn’t accept us . I knew we hadn’t been okay for a longtime but when you broke up with me the next day it tour me apart. And then a year later you came back in my life my wounds were still bleeding I shouldn’t have let you back in but I did . At the time and ig even now you said you were ‘straight’ but a month into us trying to be friends you invited me over like we used to pretended to be drunk and told me you hated how terrible you had been to me , I left pretended it didn’t happen . A few weeks later we went to a party you slept in the bed with me and told you loved me and called me baby, I pretended I didn’t hear it I pretended to still be asleep , and our final interaction you started to date my bsf the boy I cared abt most in the world at that time I hated you both I cursed you both to high heavens and even fought him . I don’t know why I’m hear I don’t know why im writing this , it’s not like I want you anymore . I just want to heal from this I want to you to know that you completely changed me , not just my personality but I have mental illnesses you awakened in me that I can’t control anymore that I’m living with daily . I want you to know the love I had for you is real , and you completely ruined me for it . I wish I could talk to you and tell you this I wish I could get inside ur mind and know the honest truth of why everything happened the way I’d did Idk….

-Corny