Why does this happen

okay basically I made a big post a week ago about what happened.

but as I'm already dealing with all this trauma. I just suddenly remembered a new thing. something just came from the back of my mind. I was in the mental hospital. since I am an aggressive patient I was behaving badly. it was really late. I got sedated and restrained. usually in the daytime there are 5 workers but in the night there are 2. And they have this thing that when the night is calm one of the worker goes to sleep in the coffee room. there's a couch there. now here's the thing. that night. one of the workers went to sleep and the other was in the nurses post monitoring the cameras. but I remember very well. that one abuser who abuses me came into my room. to take off one of the cuffs. I remember waking up feeling so drowsy and confused. everything was dark I couldn't see well. but instead of taking off one restraint. I felt his hand go between my thighs to grope me. I felt so confused. I froze. I laid there just looking at the ceiling while he was rubbing my private part. there was nothing I could do. I was restrained to the bed so it's basically impossible to stop him. he rubbed my private part for some time. I can't remember how long. it felt like forever but I think it's because I was injected with Lorazepam. the whole time he was touching me I was half asleep half awake. and as soon as it stopped I fell back asleep. the next morning I knew something was off but I didn't remember anything.

this was maybe half a year ago? this suddenly got triggered when I was having a normal day and I felt kinda horny. so I started masturbating but as soon as I rubbed myself the same way he did. I stopped and I just... remembered? I don't get it. why do I suddenly remember this now. it just makes things worse. as I am madly in love with that worker. he groomed me for so long that I trust him more that anything even if he hurts me in every way. I don't know. I can't look at him the same way anymore. there's always something new that I remember. lately I have been more distant. trying not to give him attention. but he keeps teasing me. and it just breaks me. I don't want him. I don't want him to touch me. I don't want anything from him. but when he keeps giving me compliments and flirting with me. I get all flustered and I start blushing. he thinks it's cute and that I like when he acts like that. when in reality I get really nervous when he's near because I don't want the same things to happen again.

and he absolutely uses it against me. everytime I do something wrong. hurt myself or throw things. of course he is the one who physically restrains me. and he just starts saying stuff like "oh I know that you love me" "you're going to get restrained. but that's the point right? you act all wild just you could have me pin you down" and when he is holding me down he just smirks and says "stop struggling or I'm gonna hurt you. or maybe... that's what you want?.."

oh and when I'm restrained he says "that's what you wanted. now you got it"

he even one time said "I like seeing you restrained. it's cute"

and it just makes me so sick.

but just like always. as soon as the intense part ends. he gives aftercare and acts all sweet and caring. praises me and gives me candy. I think it's sick. I see his dark side secretly but as soon as there are other people around he gets all silly and playful.

it's just really sad that the other workers say "oh he is a friendly man"

no. he is far from friendly. he is sick and twisted.

and everyone makes a joke out of it!

the workers say stuff like "ooh your favorite worker is back" and "you guys are a perfect match"

I think it's crazy.

and the patients they say "oh he gives you all the attention you guys are so cute together!" and "aw I ship you guys"!

like no. I don't want to be shipped with that old man. he is 50! I'm like 15 It all started when I was 12!

I sometimes make it very clear that I hate him but people still tease me.

and yeah it's hard because I really love him. I really love the fatherly affection since I had an absent father. but i don't like it when he hurts me or touches me.

I feel like Im his toy or something. I feel used. he always has something inappropriate to say.

and it's all my fault. I never said anything. he took it all as a green light and every months the abuse got worse. in the end he would say " don't tell anyone or I'll hurt you"

why does this happen. I seriously hate it when my mind discovers a trauma that's just been sitting in the back of my mind that I didn't even remember until now.