so my parents went through my things

I know the typical response is 'move out', but I would've if I could

I keep applying for jobs and none yield any result. The last one I had a somewhat positive initial response from went silent after a while and I had to email like 10 different people before getting a hand-wavey rejection letter

I got fired from the last job I landed after a few days because they hired too many people relative to the budget

My parents this morning decided to go through my things. I keep trying to find a silver lining, but talking doesn't work. It only ends in raised voices and accusations being thrown and if I act then I'm disrespectful

The army closed my file, but I think I'll reapply. I'm so sick of this. I want to be done. They insist the house is mine too, but as soon as I so much as shift my night table to a different angle, I come back to see it moved back. I organize my drawers one way, but that's not good enough so they go through it an reorganize it.

They tell me that I won't survive the military and maybe they're not wrong in believing I'll struggle, but at least I'll be getting paid for it.

I keep thinking I should've gone to military college instead of a regular one since I would be far from home and I would graduate with a job and no debt. The only thing stopping me from switching is the number of SA or harassment cases that happen yet go unpunished and the fact that I would be selling almost a decade of my life to the military.

My therapist once told me to write my thoughts in a journal, but I said I didn't feel safe doing that. Considering my parents just threw out half my art supplies before my very eyes, I can't say I was wrong to be worried about privacy. They've never read a diary of mine because I've never written one. I don't think I ever will

I'm not even angry. I just feel very hollow. I don't see how this is supposed to help me. I'm an adult. I try to help by sharing whatever I earn, making time to check-in with them, talk and just exist in the same space, but instead I get hurt by having my trust violated, by being yelled at, by being granted no freedom.

I wanted to buy a car later this year, maybe I will, maybe I'll try to save enough to move out somehow or maybe I'll just pack my schedule until I'm too busy to breathe again. Yes my grades suffer twice as much since I already struggle with deadlines and keeping up with a continuous stream of work, but at least I won't have space to think for a year until I burn out

I'm so tired. I just need someone to care without biting my hand again

My friends don't and I don't blame them - early 20s are hard for everyone and late 20s/early 30s have different priorities/interests. My family evidently doesn't. And my therapist doesn't believe me when I say I can't rely on anybody

And yes, for the record, I am the eldest daughter. How did you know?