I’m trying to be healthy through a deactivation..

I have somehow managed to be in a relationship for about 9 months. My partner is an anxious attacher so it has been tough, and I have currently hit a huge deactivation state. Obviously my social media managed to pick up on it and every post is about anxious/avoidance dynamics and every comment section is about how avoidants are the worst of the worst. It’s very hard to deal with, i’m feeling that horrible complexity of detachment, guilt, overwhelm, love and frustration.

I’ve been working on healing and self discovery in the past few years and I feel like this is what i’ve been training for - my poor friends have listened to me dithering back and forth about whether i love her, whether she loves me, whether she actually doesn’t love me, but loves who she wants me to be, and doesn’t understand why i’m not who she wants me to be, and whether I have better options elsewhere and should just end things. It’s overwhelming and I’ve done nothing but spiral about it for a while and it’s just getting worse.

Finally this morning I realised I just need to sit down and talk with her. Explain what avoidance is, how it behaves, and how I am aware our attachment styles clash, and maybe we can work together to find a way to handle this that works for both of us, because she doesn’t deserve to have me blow hot and cold while i’m trying to manage both of our emotional needs. I need to tell her this isn’t a negotiation and I need her to listen while I talk instead of try to convince me out of my avoidance, because I know that she’ll panic and that’s what will happen, and it’ll push me away, but I’m tired of living ignoring my needs and only catering to hers out of guilt because i’m ashamed of my emotions.

I love her and I want to work together to get through this - which is a conclusion I’ve never actually allowed myself to come to before - that being said, i am terrified she’ll shut me down, I tried to talk to her about it a month or so ago because I could feel that it was going to come on, and she said that she’d rather I didn’t because it would make her anxious. But I don’t think it’s an option not to anymore, if I want to keep this relationship going, I need to force myself to open up, and be honest with her, and i need her to listen to me. But I’m tired of shutting down when I get close to someone, I am intent on healing, and I think i’ve had an epiphany and want to put it to use, I just hope to god that she allows me to communicate and we manage it well, instead of me just catering to her like usual, because we all know the other way this goes.

I didn’t know if i should put this here, in the rant/vent, or self discovery tag, but I chose the open to advice tag because I think I’m not going to get any clearer input than I will from other avoidants, so, if anyone has any ideas about dialogue options that I could choose, or ways to manage this, advice would be greatly appreciated ☺️