Does anyone else feel like something pretending to be human?

I've struggled with the disorder in the past and recovered for a while, but everything from that time in my life is so patchy and I can't create a solid timeline at all. I was good for about a year and honestly I'm not sure what happened but I've fallen back into exhausting purging and I'm at the point where I feel like a husk of a human? I'm not sure if any of you guys get it too, but I feel like I'm living in a shell of a person and trying my best to seem normal. Really I feel almost like a feral animal. It feels extremely cringe but I feel vulnerable and afraid but also savage in an animalistic way, like I can't let anyone close. If you relate please let me know I'd love to hear because I feel so insane for feeling like this. I WANT to be better and I'm so tired of feeling like this but it's so incredibly difficult, especially when it's my own secret and my own fault. First time posting so if something in this is a little too sensitive please let me know! Even just knowing this community exists makes me feel way less alone