Tired of gossiping family (especially mother)

All my life my mother taught me not to gossip and stick to myself. Turns out she's been the gossip/drama queen this whole time, especially when it's about me.

My whole childhood I taught that there could be no other way then to trust her, looking back in my mid-twenties i realized that she was authoritarian. Maybe I realized it as a child too, since i was always afraid of my mother when she got angry with me.

It's sadly a common part of our culture which every adult around you condones as a child, so you grow into your teen years and your eventual adult years not knowing any better BUT to obey ppl who are considered above you, trying to please everyone and MOST OF ALL never rlly standing up for yourself. At least that was (and still is) the case with me.

I still remember her hitting me and how it felt, the ppl i told it to as i got older weren't necessarily close friends. But i remember every response being the same "It wasn't that bad." and then pulling up examples of how they were hit worse or how it hypothetically could've been worse for me. Yes, even though she always just used her hand to hit me, i was young enough for it to actually hurt. Sadly i was too young back then to actually confront them or defend myself properly, try articulating that in a way everyone can understand it or show empathy. Exactly.

Instead i just shut up about it, forever i guess. Since no one wants to be understanding of the fact that it hurt.

It also didn't help that by the time i brought it up, i was already talking about the past since my mom stopped hitting me after a certain age. The reactions i got still stuck with me enough for me to never even bring it up as a grown adult.

After the physical, came the psychological. That was the most damaging part. Instead of hitting and screaming at me, she now just screamed at me for every little thing she deemed i did wrong in her eyes. She mentioned i never listened, while in reality i just never quite understood, and believe me when i tell you that i really tried my best. It's the thought of still getting hit that counts, the possibility of it that scared me. Even when it already ended.

My whole life i felt like something was wrong within me and i could never quite put my finger on it, only this year while playing some random game night did i realize that the screaming made me socially anxious my whole life. I've been turned into a wall-flower whether that was her intention or not, that was the eventual effect it had on me.

My childhood "shyness" was just me scared of being yelled at and always falling in line accordingly.

I'm 26 by now.

My mother's behavior towards me now would be considered passive-agressive i guess. She acts so sweet towards me, meanwhile i hear her gossip behind my back to my cousing about how much pain i'm in and how i never clean the house. Those two things are correlated. The amount of pain i'm in has improved, however the reason why i never cleaned the house back then was because i was in so much pain i could barely brush my teeth/shower/dress myself.

Even though she knew about this, she never showed empathy and only complained. By the time the pain was manageable enough to pull off a few chores, the only thing that came out of her mouth was how "it was about damn time i did my chores". No mention whatsoever of how she can tell i'm improving or no curiosity about how my medical condition is going.

I tire of her sometimes and wonder what's going on in her mind when you're aware enough of the situation to gossip, but not to check up on it.