(18f) I think I’m drawn to the wrong kind of guys and I hate it

I don’t even want to admit this, but it’s been stuck in my head and I feel worse the more I think about it.

Something happened recently that I already posted about, and I keep replaying it over and over. At first I was just confused and ashamed, but now there’s this other feeling creeping in that I don’t even want to say out loud.

I think part of me liked it.

Even typing that makes me feel sick. Because I didn’t feel fully in control, and I remember being overwhelmed and not knowing what to do… but there were moments where I felt drawn into it instead of completely pulling away.

And now I’m questioning everything about myself.

Like why do I react like that? Why didn’t I just shut it down? Why is there a part of me that leans toward that kind of intensity instead of running from it?

I keep thinking maybe I’m just messed up. Like maybe I’m drawn to the wrong kind of guys—the ones who are more controlling, more intense, the kind that don’t slow down. And I hate that about myself.

I don’t want to be like that. I don’t want to feel like I’d get pulled into something just because it feels intense in the moment.

Now I just feel ashamed. Not even just about what happened, but about how I reacted to it.

I don’t know if this is normal or if there’s something actually wrong with me, but I needed to get it out because it’s been eating at me.

I swear I’m better than this right?