I WANT to pay for my own college.

I know this won’t make sense to many, but at least hear me out or give some advice. Apparently I have $150k for college from my Moms dad (my grandpa) who I’ve never even met. I know most people would be stoked but I honestly feel the complete opposite?? I feel guilty taking money from a man I never even me. Additionally, over the years my relationship with my parents (divorced) has been rocky. I am currently no contact with my Dad and my Mom and I have our ups and downs. I am afraid that if we have a falling out then that money could be taken away from me.

Additionally I have horrible financial skills. I grew up in a house where money was constantly an issue and it has made me incredibly fearful of spending money. I can’t live with this fear forever if that makes sense.

I feel like my education should be my responsibility. Additionally, and this is my biggest reason, I think knowing I have to pay for it will motivate me. Over the past year my mental health has gotten pretty bad at times, I am incredibly unmotivated and many days do absolutely nothing. I don’t have much support with this and so ultimately my grades have taken a hit, and I know this won’t magically disappear once I get to college. I think if I know it’s my responsibility a part of me will find the energy to do well since at the end of the day it’s my own money and if I get bad grades or skip classes then I’m practically paying for that.

I would need to take out loans since I don’t have much saved, and ultimately I’m not the most educated on what that entails (besides everyone saying no private loans??)

If I choose the CC option I could go 2 years free then transfer. If not I think my cheapest school (URochester) is 13k a year. I’m going into Biology if that helps (not sure about med school yet.)

I am beyond grateful I am even in this situation and I know many people will think I am being stupid, which I understand. Please don’t attack me though.