I'm disgusting

Why do I feel jealous of people who have had it worse than me. I was groomed online, I had a sexual relationship with a 50 year old when I was 16 and it was entirely my fault. I asked for it. When I told him it hurt and he didn't stop, it was my fault. My ex pressured me into having sex even though I continuously said no, but then I caved and said yes, so it had to have been my fault, right? The person who told me he would bring me home and then made me perform sexual acts on him without asking, my fault. I did it. I wasn't raped. Why am I fucking pretending like I'm some poor traumatized animal when I was never fucking raped. Never. I was never abused. My mom hitting me was my fault, I was misbehaving. When I hear stories of people who went through the worst of the worst, I get jealous. I wish I was tortured. I wish I was beaten to near death, locked in a dark room for weeks with no food or water, stabbed, choked, raped by my parents, anything to justify the way that I am. It's all my fucking fault and I need to stop pretending to be a fucking victim when I'm not. I just wish I could get rid of the jealousy. I know its wrong to want this, but I feel like if I suffered ACTUAL rape and torture it would justify the way I am. Pathetic disgusting parasite.