I need advice.

If it's all just gonna end one day, why bother doing anything to keep myself alive?

I am no longer suicidal because I'm suffering, I'm suicidal because I believe that nothing matters.

If it's all just gonna end one day, why bother doing anything to keep yourself alive? Nothing will change, because no matter what I do, I'm gonna die one day anyway.

.

Should I just end my life.

.

I remember back in middle school, I was normal. No ... Whatever's wrong with me now. I felt real and I wasn't scared of DYING every second of every day.

I did my schoolwork because, then, I thought something mattered. I thought my grades mattered. But now I don't know.

I was proud to be myself back then. I was happy. I wasn't scared, I wasn't pathetic, I wasn't someone who relies on pain to make them feel alive. I think I was perfect back then, actually.

I hate myself now. I'm too scared of everything, especially death. I really don't want to die, but this anxiety is turning into a "...Maybe I should, because death happens to us all inevitably."

And I'm just tired. Of that. Of all of this. Of not being a good student, of always being scared, of always feeling like a disgusting, pathetic loser of a "man". (Man is in quotes because I'm FtM)

I feel pathetic. After five panic attacks related to thanatophobia, I really don't care anymore. About anything. I have today off from school, and I have not moved from my bed all day besides going to the bathroom. I can't even find the motivation to do anything I used to enjoy and when I do, it looks like shit. I don't have motivation to do ANYTHING.

988 didn't even work...