I am tempted to self harm

I’m (20f) having a hard time holding on from this. I’ve never self harmed but the suffering gets harder and harder each day feeling as though there is truly nope hope for me. If I could inject a syringe to turn off my emotions or at least get of my romantic and sexual desires I would inject it no problem. I wish I was aromatic so this wouldn’t be a problem for me. Somedays I feel so hopeless and helpless I imagine myself hanging. I don’t see myself going through with due to knowing how painful it’ll be and the physical effects.

I am lost cause there is no helping me only suffering remains like it has for years. 988 doesn’t truly help, there’s no one in my personal I can talk to, talking to strangers doesn’t truly help, everything only gives temporary relief nothing actually helps. I wonder if I’m being a fool for clinging to life like this because of a dream of mine because really I’d be fool for hoping things will actually turn out better for me in the future. If 5 year old me saw me right now she’d be disappointed. I am just pain