TW: Relapsing after months of sobriety

Since last year, I've tried to stay sober to focus on what really deserved my attention. I worked hard, especially when I got closer to religion and decided that this would be my Easter penance. But despite holding on for months, I relapsed. I suffered losses from friends, saw my best friend date the boy who swore to love me, fought with my family and developed an eating disorder that made me lose more than 26 pounds in months. I'm feeling bad, but I can't help it, it's this or the suicidal thoughts that I don't deserve to be happy and that I have nothing good to show the world. I've been relapsing for three days in a row, using the old methods and feeling unwell afterwards. I feel guilty that I am not doing my penance and that I am weak. It all just feels like too much, like my mind is broken and rotten.