active addiction

I relapsed a few days ago and it got bad in a way I can’t really ignore anymore not just using again i could see my life from above like i was an angel, seeing all the mistakes i’ve done and how i cant go back. like my brain just completely broke for a while. I couldn’t tell what was real and what wasn’t. It felt like I was actually going crazy. And the worst part is I still chose it. Even knowing where it can go, even after everything before this. Since then I haven’t felt right. There’s this leftover paranoia, like something is still slightly off. I keep replaying it in my head how real it felt, how far gone I was. It scares me, but not enough to erase the fact that I went there anyway.

I don’t know how I let it get to that point again. Or maybe I do, and I just don’t want to admit it.

It’s like I crossed a line where it’s not just messing up my life anymore it’s messing with my mind in a way that feels harder to come back from.

I don’t know if that was a wake-up call or just another step down. I just know it didn’t feel like me anymore.