4 months sober, life is good

I was never a daily drinker or had a physical dependency on alcohol. Never drank on weekdays and was mostly able to control myself when I had to, but mostly is not always.

Deep down, I always knew I had a bad relationship with alcohol, I've had at least one or two blackouts per month for the last 15 years. I've put my life at risk more times than I can remember, in situations that could've gone terribly wrong if it were not for my incredible luck (I'm not a god person but I'm 100% sure something or someone was looking after me in those blackouts, otherwise I'd be dead).

My rock bottom was a Christmas party with my wife's family, where I got shitfaced and literally shit myself and my wife had to clean it. No one noticed, my awesome wife made sure of that, my dignity is intact and she just told me she never wants to go through this again. She has no idea the extent of the problem, she thinks it was just a bad night, but the truth is much darker than that.

Luckily she's not a big drinker, so after that I told her I wanted a break from alcohol for two months, well, I doubled that and don't want to go back. Ever.

My current situation is that we planned a trip to some wineries over a year ago, that trip is tomorrow. I of course want a glass of wine or two, but I just don't think it's worth the risk. If I lose control I could put me or my wife at risk, I never want to do that again. I don't want to drink, I just don't know how to tell her lol. I'll figure it out and stay sober though, I know a glass of wine won't kill me and I could probably stay in control, but IT'S NOT WORTH THE RISK.

I'm writing this to remind myself that it really is not worth the risk. One bad choice can ruin my life. I've had countless second chances at life after getting blackout drunk hundreds of times for over 15 years, and now that I see it clearly I can enjoy life in a different way.

I want and I will stay sober.