What to do when you feel bored in your marriage as a man?

Me (22M) and my wife (21F) have been together for 3 years and 2 of those married. DISCLAIMER: I am aware that it’s a really young age and short time of knowing before marriage. I understand it is not the best way of doing things so please spare me of the lecturing. I am sincerenly asking an honest question for the purpose of being a better husband.

The problem is more complicated than me feeling ”bored”. That was really just a way to get peoples attention.

REAL PROBLEM is a lack of resonance and/or connection in our relationship. Few things that bother me the most:

Deep conversations:

We only have conversations when I want to talk about something. Then it’s just me talking and she agreeing while not giving any of her own thoughts or opinions. If I ask what does she think, she doesn’t know. I have never heard the words ”we need to talk”, or even something lighthearted like ”would you love me if I was a worm” -type of questions. As a result I don’t feel much like talking because she clearly doesn’t enjoy bonding over conversations.

Sex:

She almost never turns me down when I initiate. However she does not initiate. During the deed she mostly just is there and takes it. There is a lot of action but no passion. Like it would matter nothing to her if we have sex or not. I have learned many ways to please her and every time I make sure that she enjoys it. I can have her on my fingers trembling and making a big mess to the bed but shortly after we’re done, she’s back in her own bubble barely noticing me. She told me once that she never turns me down because she wants to keep me satisfied. As a result I have stopped iniating almost completely. I don’t want to have sex that she doesn’t enjoy or desire.

Fights, opinions or planning things:

We never fight. She agrees to whatever I say. She does not seem to even have her own opinions. It’s all the same to her and she does not seem to care about anything as long as we’re together. It is sweet but pretty exhausting because I carry the whole weight of every decision and I have to paint the picture of our life all by myself. What do we eat today? I decide. What colour do we paint the walls? Whatever I like. What kind of plans should we have for the holiday? Dunno, what did you have in mind? As a result I just try to avoid situations where decisions take place. I make important decisions bu myself and then just run them through her to make sure it’s all right, and it always is.

Bonding or quality time:

It is impossible to do something she likes since I don’t really know. She likes to go eat out, but she does not have a favourite restaurant or a favourite drink. She likes going to the movies but she doesn’t care if we go to the movies or to the mall. She doesn’t enjoy anything that much that I could actually surprise her pleasantly. It’s all surface level things and there is nothing personal about anything. Like every date would be a first date. Her idea of love is to be included without pressure and to be loved as who she is without performance. If she could climb into my breast pocket she would hang out there all the time and I could just do whatever I want.

Basically her way of thinking is: ”I am a good partner as long as I am not difficult”. I know that she has issues with people-pleasing and a great fear of abandonment and this behaviour is a protecting mechanism from her past. I understand her completely but I feel so alone.

I just want her to say something. Ask something. Challenge me. Fight me. Tell me to do things. Tell me that she likes something, or doesn’t like. I yearn to hear her opinions and thoughts. I would love to answer even the stupid worm questions. Now I just feel like suffocating.

I am in a relationship with the version of her that she has curated to bend to whatever position I want. The result is a relationship with no friction or resonance whatsoever. Yes, it is easy and peaceful and really safe but it’s not passionate, exciting or alive at all. I feel alone most of the time even though she’s in the same room with me. She can sit right next to me and I feel like she doesn’t really even exist.

I love her. I just miss her so much even though I see her everyday. She has been like this pretty much the whole relationship and I have had a feeling that something’s missing the whole time but I couldn’t put my finger on it since on paper everything’s perfect. This really caught my eye just in the last few months.

I know that she needs time to work on this in therapy (she just started) and I am more than willing to give her the space and time she needs. The question is how can I cope with this? I’m so alone and all this has caused me to lose any feeling of happiness about the relationship. I am not going to leave her. I am going to be there for her. No question. Just, what do I do with myself to not lose my mind?

Thank you for reading. Sorry for the ranting. I’m just a young dude feeling bad.