I hate my step dad and I don't know to deal with it anymore

My mom and biological father separated before I was old enough to remember anything, so I basically grew up with my stepdad. I’m an only child, and for a long time everything felt normal—we had a good relationship and even bonded a lot.

Things started to change around middle school when we found out he was using drugs. My mom sent him away, and I saw how much it affected her. It felt like something was missing. I’ll admit, I missed him too. After about a month, he came back clean and promised to do better. To be fair, even during that time, he never did anything openly harmful—we just noticed changes in his behavior and appearance.

My mom took him back, and at first I was genuinely happy. But after he returned, something about him felt off. He wasn’t using anymore, but he had changed.

There were times when it was just the two of us at home, and he crossed serious boundaries with me. I didn’t fully understand it back then—I just knew I felt uncomfortable. It took me a few years to realize that what happened wasn’t normal and wasn’t okay. What makes it even more painful is that all of this happened after we accepted him back and trusted him again, believing he had changed.

After that, other things about him started to stand out more. He became more controlling, always watching for mistakes and quick to point them out. He developed a temper and would slam things around the house, even over small stuff.

During COVID, my mom and him had a child. Around that time, everything really clicked for me, I finally understood that what he did before was wrong. Life just kept going. Nothing really changed. If anything, his behavior got worse. He still has a bad temper, constantly looks for faults in others, and even makes situations worse, especially when there’s conflict between my mom and her parents.

Last year, I finally told my mom everything because she didn’t understand why I was pulling away. She asked me if I wanted her to kick him out. I said no, not because I forgave him, but because I care about my younger sibling and because I’ve seen that he has changed in some ways. He’s no longer using, and he hasn’t crossed those kinds of boundaries again. She told me to think about myself instead, and said that once something like that happens, you can never see that person the same way again. And she’s right.

Now I can honestly say I hate him. He’s the reason I struggle with physical touch. He’s the reason loud noises make my heart race. Even being close to him, sitting next to him or any physical contact makes my heart beat faster and leaves me feeling uneasy. He’s also a big reason why I’ve been distancing myself from my mom (they're always together).

Every time I see him, all I feel is anger and disgust. I hate everything about him—the way he laughs, his offensive jokes, how he pretends to be a good person in front of others. And when my mom and I argue, instead of helping, he either makes things worse or acts like I don’t even exist.

I don’t know what to do anymore.