I need help i think

so rn atm i wanna cut myself like badley bc i cant take it anymore and im trying my hardest not to relapse but im scared i an going to bc everything ive tried doesnt help me anymore and i just wanna feel the pain but i also dont want people to seee it yk.

but i dont know what to do because theres this voice telling me i should do it and i will feel better but ik i will feel really guilty afterwards and i dont wanna f up my streak

at this point i dont know even why im still alive because it never gets better does it