Why am I so weird

Ever since I was 5 I’ve always been bullied for a secret I can’t get away from, it involves my mum, and my mum doesn’t help because she thinks she knows everything, I’ve been caught being suicidal 3-4 times I’ve lost count of my attempts and she thinks I fake it all, with the secret again I’m scared to tell even my most trusted friends Abt it, I can’t trust anyone and I feel like im stuck with the same people no one acc likes me ppl have ‘crushes on me’ but it’s only because they js went through a break up and is looking for a rebound, I’m a genuinely nice person but I feel like the worst person. I’m a Christian and I constantly lust. I just want to be loved like a true love I’m alone I do nothing all day except for watching yt and playing games and school, my ‘friends’ live to far as well and it takes over an hour to get there and there would be nothing to do I feel lost ihms and I can’t tell anyone Abt it

I’m sorry you read this