How should I handle being asked to attend a £1k hen do abroad when I’ve just bought a house and can’t really afford it?”

My dad has been with his fiancée (let’s call her Annie) for about 9 years. Overall she’s been kind to me and generous with gifts, but she struggles with social cues and sometimes says things that come across as hurtful without realising.

Their relationship has also been quite turbulent over the years. There have been arguments that cancelled Christmas plans, times my dad has called me saying they’ve broken up, and then they’ve gotten back together again. When things are good, they tend to make up for it by showering me and my boyfriend with gifts and material things, even though I’ve asked them not to.

There have also been moments that stuck with me. For example, at a Christmas party someone said I looked like Snow White. I said thank you, but I overheard Annie whisper to her daughter across the table “well where’s the poison apple?”. It really confused and upset me because I thought we had a good relationship.

Now they’re engaged and getting married in Portugal next year and have spent over £10k on the wedding. My boyfriend and I just bought our first house this year, and our jobs aren’t the most stable, so money is quite tight. The wedding itself will probably be our big holiday next year.

She’s also asked me to be her head bridesmaid, which surprised me because she has two daughters. I said yes at the time because I didn’t want to hurt her feelings.

This morning she called to say she’s planning a hen do abroad that will cost around £1000 just for flights and accommodation, not including food or spending money. She also asked me to invite my boyfriend’s mum (who is 60 and has only met Annie once) to what will apparently be a clubbing hen do.

When I tried to explain that my boyfriend’s mum probably wouldn’t want to come and that money is tight for us right now because of the house, she said maybe we should have waited to buy the house until we were financially stable and asked how I sleep at night worrying about money. That really upset me.

Now I feel really guilty. She has given me a lot of gifts over the years, and she’s asked me to be head bridesmaid, so part of me feels like I should just suck it up and go to the hen do even though I can’t really afford it and honestly don’t want to go. I also don’t know any of her friends and I’m not very close with her daughter.

Would I be wrong to say no to the hen do but still be her bridesmaid and attend the wedding?