Finally letting myself express my personality and style little by little ...but so much guilt.

I have started by loosening my Hijab around my neck and ears and letting in air because summer is around the corner and I just feel so irritated and uncomfortable with a fabric wrapped constantly around my neck in uni and outside the house.

I have started wearing brooch on my scarf and rings on my fingers and earrings which can be peeked on my ears. Yet I feel guilty as if I am evil or sinful.

I bet even men like Trump and Netanyyahu never lose sleep or feel any guilt or shame for their war crimes..., but the way I am feeling anxiety over just these small changes is so abnormal.

I keep telling myself I am not committing a crime or hurting anyone and I never even chose to wear abaya and Hijab in the first place and a face mask (think COVID times) as niqab to uni. It was all my father's condition and insistence if I wanted to go outside house and to uni.

I no longer wear a face mask as niqab anymore because it's so hard to breathe , eat or communicate/express emotions or connect with others. I always felt I couldn't be myself and I was confined in a skin that didn't belong to me. Like I was forced inside a cocoon that no longer was suitable.

I know people in my uni are going to judge ,say Im seeking male validation and attention,but all I want is to be a different version , a different person.

My overthinking and anxiety is consuming my whole day and I feel as if even when I was unhappy with how I spent the past years , it was a safe place even when I was bitter , resentful and envious and insecure.

Now when I grow , my fear pulls me back. Fear of my parents finding out , fear of rumours , fear of sinning and disappointing Allah.

It's like damned if you do , damned if you don't.

Did anyone else experience this stage in their journey ??