THE GIRL WHO CHANGED ME FOREVER

**TL;DR; : Hello everyone, I’m gonna telling you a real story.(but please read slowly and carefully because it's very important to me)

I was born in Izmir, and I had a wonderful childhood. But I knew my mental health would deteriorate during adolescence. I've encountered a few psychological disorders in my life. These included OCD, Bipolar Disorder (not as severe as the other two), and the final punch, of course, was Schizophrenia. In 2014, my dad moved to London for work (but we didn't move cuz my sister and I still had school). Pandemic was probably a bad time for everyone. Mine wasn't much different. I was living through the seven deadly sins (yeah, it's true). It felt like something was burning under my skin. I had locked myself in the room. My night had become day, and my day had become night(I would go to bed around 8-9 in the morning and wake up around 7-8 in the evening). By September 29th, my mom, my sis, and I had finally moved to London to join my dad. Adapting to London was very difficult for me. Months passed, and one night I had a dream (I think it was March 3, 2021). In my dream, I was in a mental hospital. There was a garden in the middle of the hospital. I was trying to cross to the other side. I met a girl. She had pale skin, black hair, and was wearing a long black puffer coat. I danced with her. Then I woke up and my first reaction was, "WOW, WHAT A GIRL!". Summer came and my mental state worsened. Every time I looked in the mirror, I looked like I was on drugs. Summer was over, and I was starting to feel even worse. Life had become even harder for me (it felt like I was reliving all the pain of the past twenty-one years). I was praying to God, asking how I could escape this pain. Then the idea came to me: death. This was a turning point in my life. I lost my mind. I felt cleansed of my sins. There was only one thing left for me to do: die. It was mid-August to early September(but I don't remember the exact date, sorry). This era was also when I was going to start my new job. I started working at a grocery store in Island Gardens at my dad’s boss's request(opposite Island Gardens DLR Station). I swear, it was very hard for me. I saw everyone as a demons(it’s illusions). But not her. She was my customer. She was always trying to flirt with me. I, on the other hand, was only thinking about death(normally you can stop your breath while breathing, but I couldn't stop the thoughts of death). One evening, I was serving customers(I was serving very slowly). She was in the queue too. It wasn't her turn to be served yet, she looked at me and said, "what is this?"(I raged inside) I turned around, and she was pointing her index finger at the Grape Elf Bar. I turned back to her (I was still rage), she smiled and said, "sorry, I'm just a little curious.". One evening, again, I was standing behind the cash register with the employee next to me. She came to the grocery store. She looked at me and started telling us something about dancing. I was saying to her in my inside “yeah yeah but I have a date with death”. I've tried it everywhere. At home, at college, at work, on the streets. Everywhere. Sometimes I came very close. There's one last fear before death. I've passed that point. I had one last move to make, then I would be finished. But it didn't happen. I forced myself but it wasn't happening. It was as if something invisible was holding me back(God’s Plan). I remember the night I went to Limehouse. Dogs were barking at me(they felt). Days passed, and I was working at a grocery store again (during the daytime). I was seeing visuals(one part of me saw the afterlife, the other part saw this world). She came to the grocery store again. Visuals I saw merged and then disappeared(it happened when she was right in front of me). She almost gave me a heart attack. But nothing happened to me because I was very strong(it was also the period of my life when I was most afraid and most courageous). Months passed, and something about her was growing inside me. But I couldn't understand what was happening. Until February 14, 2022. My shift that day was 9AM-3PM. I got off the train(Island Gardens DLR Station). I saw her as I was going up the stairs. I said my inside, "hey, it's that girl again." She was coming down those stairs. I left the station, crossed the street, and entered into the grocery. After five minutes, she entered the grocery. I was alone (the manager was probably in the storage room in the back). It was just her and me at the grocery. She talked to me, and I talked to her. That was the day I fell in love with her.(FUCK OFF DEATH, I FELL IN LOVE) That was also that era when she started to grow distant from me. The next time she came to the grocery store, she was cold towards me (I had kept her waiting for too long). I had noticed something about her. She always came to the grocery store wearing her long black puffer coat. And she was pale-skinned and had black hair. She even told me she was a dancer. She matched the girl I saw in a dream months ago perfectly.(Well done, Sherlock! Where you been?) “Again?”(Sometimes I see things that will happen in the future or events that have happened in the past. That's my sixth sense.) There was more. Everywhere I looked, I saw her(the Demons out, the Angel in). I was seeing my mother, my sister, and my female relatives in her(those who raised me with love). All in one in one person. There were so many signs that made me fall in love with her. I decided:”She is my girl” ”She is my destiny” She changed me forever(C’mon, I was going to my death and now I'm in love with her). I was thinking her. “What is her name?” and “ When will she come?” I had come up with names to her. The first one was “Raisins”(because it’s healthy), the second one was “Blue Porsche”(cuz I was in Radiator Springs and I was fell in love to Blue Porsche). I had many opportunities to open my heart to her but I messed it up every time. I didn't know how to talk to a girl (ahh Marlboro Gold ahh). Sometimes I could feel her. It was Saturday, and the month was May. She passed by the grocery store. (around 4 o'clock) She was wearing a dress. I thought she was probably going to a celebration. Evening came. Around 11 o'clock, I and two employees closed the grocery store. We were walking towards the station. (I felt her, she was coming) We went down the stairs. We were waiting for the train, it arrived and I said them, "You get on, I'll sit here for a while." They did get on the train and I sat in the seating area. (I was knew, she is coming) One train came, she wasn't there, a second train came, still she wasn't there, when did the third train come, I saw her. She got off the train and was coming towards the side where I was sitting. I greeted her, but she ignored me. She came and went right in front of me. I only said to myself: “It’s okay, I deserved”. I spent that summer in Izmir. When I returned to London, I had quit my job for reasons I didn't know. I started working at another grocery store in Isle of Dogs. Those days were my days of exile. I had grown my hair long and even grown a beard. I worked at that grocery store for three months(27 Castalia Square) Every evening, before boarding my train at Crossharbour Station, I would check for the opposite train. Maybe I'll see her.(I would check the train going towards Lewisham) One evening while I was at work, my phone rang. It was my ex-boss calling. I couldn't answer because my phone was at 1% battery and it turned off. I went home, plugged my phone into the charger, and went to sleep. When I woke up it was morning, I picked up my phone and called him. He wanted me to come back to work(Return of the Jedi). I accepted. (Of course I would accept, because she was living in that area.) I quit my job and went back to where I used to work(and of course I cut my hair and shaved). I started there around the end of November. I knew I would see her when Christmas Day came. It was late afternoon. Grocery was busy. Senior staff asked me to put the drinks in the fridge. I was putting the drinks in the basket and then place them in the refrigerator. Then, she entered the grocery. I was at a loss for what to do. I left the basket. I listened to my heart and went to where the wines was. I was looking at the wines. Then I saw her reflection.(normally she never goes to the side where the wines is) I turned around and said, "Hey!" She said "hey" too. I wanted to tell her I love her, but I was speechless. I couldn't say the things I wanted to say. All I could say to her was "Merry Christmas". I saw her New Year’s Eve too. (I had received my present from Santa Claus.) And 2023 has arrived. I was working at the grocery store for her. She was giving signs that she loved me. I was messings it up again.(because I’m a idiot) Few months later something happened. My psychological problems were recurring. At the same time, my family was in the process of moving. It was Easter Sunday and she came to grocery with her mom.(she lives alone, probably her mom visited to her easter) That's when I understood. She spoke either an Eastern European language or Russian with her mother. They came to the till. She was expecting something from me. I was going to celebrate their Easter(but I couldn't). She was very angry with me. She was ignoring me again other days. My relationship with her was bad, and my mental problems had started again. It’s was hurting me deeply. I was going to throw away a cardboard box one evening. She was passing at front of grocery. "Hey," I said. She said “Hey” in a low voice. She walked past me, she was moving away. I turned to her and “WAIT!” I ran towards her. I could see the happiness on her face. I didn't know what to say. I said “I forgot what I was going to say”(I was trying to buy time). “Let's talk tomorrow” she said. Me: “No time for tommorow”, “I want to tell you everything” I said. (How could I tell the whole story?) “I’m really wanting to tell you everything” Then, she gave me key words.“Sorry, I’m curious”(YES!,YESSS!,YESSSSS!) I said to her, "Yeah, I know, you told me when you were wanting the Grape Elf Bar." She SHOCKED. She never expected such a answer. I apologized to her one last time. She gave me a nice look and smiled at me. Without being able to say anything, she turned her back and went around the corner.(she was very excited) Finally, she knew I had feelings for her too. That was the last time I saw her. I quit to job and moved to Lea Bridge(I was staying in Westferry). I cried a lot (maybe liters) I can't cry anymore. Of course, that song exists too. I think about her every second, but whenever I listen to that song it’s boosting me more and more and more. If I were to write a song for her, or if she were a song herself, it would definitely be Cobra Starship's "You Make Me Feel." I didn't want to forget her. (she's always on my mind) I like her walkstyle. Whenever she puts her hands in her puffer coat pockets, she becomes the coolest girl in the world. I remember, once she bought something for £ 4, and I was gonna accidentally made her pay £ 400.(I was new there) And I remember, one time when I brought the POS device closer to her phone, our skins touched.(the softest skin I've ever touched in my life) She looked into my eyes when our bodies touched, while I tried not to show anything I felt.(BECAUSE I AM A PFOFESSİONAL IDIOT) I wanted hold her hand. Sometimes I would go visit the grocery store. But I couldn't stay long. It was so hard to stay long. I researched all the dance schools(studios) in London online. I joined the Canary Wharf & Isle of Dogs E14 Residents group through my mom's Facebook account. I was also looking at the Island Gardens area on my father's Instagram account. I did secretly, I hadn't social media accounts in that time. Years passed, I went to therapies(they told me blah, blah, blah). Two half-months ago I had another dream. But this time it was a nightmare. In my nightmare, I was with a prostitute. I reacted ”wait a minute, WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING?!” I escaped from there. I tried to find her. I wanted to explain it to her. But I couldn't find her. Then I woke up.(It happened a few days before Valentine's Day.) I mustered up the courage and went to Island Gardens on Valentine's Day. I was there from morning till evening. I saw old friends.(I've missed them) But I never saw her. I went on other days too. I waited at the bus stop.(Stop D) I checked the road to my left. Morning and Evening. But she never passed through there. I asked people. I found out she lives in the building above the grocery store where I used to work. I actually knew, but I wasn't sure. I entered the building and I knocked on every door. I told them I owed her £ 400 and asked if they knew her. I don't normally lie, in fact I hate it, but I did. I apologize to all the tenants living there. Nobody remembered her. Maybe, she moved to different area. Maybe, she returned to her country. I don't know. I broke her hope AND I HATE MYSELF. The idea to write on Reddit came to me. I downloaded it. I did sign up. I started writing. NOW, I NEED YOUR HELP! I HAVE TO FIND HER! I HAVE TO REALLY FIND HER! THIS IS MY LAST CHANCE. I’M RETURNING TO IZMIR. THINGS I KNOW ABOUT HER: SHE'S A DANCER. SHE HAS A PALE FACE AND BLACK HAIR. SHE WAS WEARING A LONG, BLACK PUFFER COAT. (SOMETIMES HER HOOD WAS ON HER HEAD) SHE IS BADASS! SHE WAS WEARING BLACK HEEL BOOTS. SHE IS 5”4. AT MY AGES (24-26). EASTERN EUROPEAN OR RUSSIAN. SHE LIVED IN THE BUILDING ABOVE GARDEN’S FOOD & WINE. MAKE SURE THIS POST REACHES EVERYONE SHE CAN SEE IT. WHEN I ATTEMPTED SUICIDES, THE PROBLEM WAS IN MY HEAD. NOW IN MY HEART. IT GETS WORSE EVERY TIME I FAIL TO FIND HER. I'M LOSING HOPE. HELP ME! PLEASE! I'M BEGGING TO ALL OF YOU! I’M PRAYING TO GOD LİKE “GIVE HER TO ME AND I WILL NEVER WANT FROM YOU FOR ANYTHINGS” STYLE. I’M JUST WANTING HER. I DON'T CARE IF THE WORLD BURNS. I’M JUST WANTING HER. I KNOW IT’S SELFISH BUT I'M A LOVER. IF THIS DOESN'T WORK EITHER, I'LL DO WHAT I SHOULD HAVE DONE YEARS AGO.

My final words only to her: “My name is Seyhan Bahar and I loved you, I am, I will love you because you are my curious dancer.”

the Soundtrack about Her

Cobra Starship: You Make Me Feel... ft. Sabi

Say Lou Lou - Julian (The Chainsmokers Remix)

PVRIS - St. Patrick

RADWIMPS - Date

DROELOE - In Time (feat. Belle Doron)

BVRNOUT - Take It Easy (feat. Mia Vaile)

3LAU & Said The Sky - Fire feat. NÉONHÈART

❤️