personal experience in Jesus is Lord Church

(pls dont share to any platforms) 

trigger warning: mention of sexual assault 

ive been a JIL member ever since i was born, with my parents and siblings as an “active member” and “leaders” in our local church.

at first, it was all good. i felt the joy of the salvation, and the feeling that i will never leave this church. i was 14 years old that time, and i started joining ministries and being a leader in KKB (youth group). things took turn when i started opening up my sexual traumas (🍇) to my leaders, all boys (since we dont really have a girl leader). one of them, my personal discipler, took advantage of me and manipulated me into thinking that he was in love with me (30s), and me bcs of being naive, fell into the trap. one of them (married guy) also sexually and emotionally assaulted me. and the other one, gaslighted me.

i said it all to my  pastors and leaders, and guess what they did? disciplinary action and forgiveness–framing it as a mistake rather than a crime. i was told not to escalate things as we are all “family” in the church and i should never speak up outside the churches about those abuses. and once again, i was manipulated.

i carried the guilt for years, and treated myself as the source of problem–bcs after that, i was stopped being assigned to handling my disciples, and everything was taken away from me. and the guy who manipulated me, after a month, continue preaching in the pulpit. there were times i have to excuse myself and go out, because i cannot grasp how this could be the same man. and the feeling that since i am way below him in terms of position, i was indirectly seen as the villain, or should i say, a way for God to challenge their personality and calling? (as they said)

there were also instances wherein i was verbally threatened by someone, just because idgaf about his daughter that was my bff back then (who stabbed my back). and guess what happened again? since their family is one of the highest tither, and has a lot of cell groups, i was told to just be silent and make amends with them. 

and it is only now that i realized how fucked up that is. i was being gaslighted into thinking that they reacted from a place of emotion, and that i have to be the bigger person.

fuck them all.

i know that this might not be the same for everyone, and i hope it never will.

(i wrote this js to share my experience and somehow receive advices? 🥹, i dont know what to do anymore because part of me wants to stay for my family and friends, but i also dont want to tolerate what they did to me..)

once again: dont share this to any other platform thank u :))