Am I nihilistic or just realistic (or bored)?

When I was 2, my mom started a relationship with a coworker. She had already separated from my biological dad before she found out she was pregnant with me. When I was 5, she got pregnant with my younger brother. Sometimes I feel like that’s when things started falling apart, but I don’t want to blame him. It’s not his fault.

Growing up, I was labeled the “troubled kid.” At times people even implied I was r*tarded (mentally slow). My mom always denied it, but I struggled in school anyway. I was also mildly bullied for being “soft” and called “gay”… which, ironically, turned out to be true. I’ve recently accepted that about myself and I’m starting to feel proud of it. I haven’t come out to my family, and honestly I don’t think I owe them that.

Academically, I was never like my siblings. Teachers would even question if I was really related to my sister because I kept failing. Now she’s about to graduate college with Latin honors, my brother is doing well too, and then there’s me—the middle child who just dropped out of college.

I was studying architecture, but I had to stop because my mom can’t afford my tuition anymore. I know being able to study at all is a privilege (even though it really shouldn’t be), but I don’t even feel that sad about dropping out. I’m more sad about losing my independence and the friends I made. Architecture is demanding, and even my professors said it doesn’t pay that well.

Now I don’t know what to do. My family tells me to “find a new path” and that “God will guide me if I pray.” They’re religious. I’m not. I think there might be something out there, but relying on it for everything feels pointless to me. Like, if I’m supposed to trust everything to God while still being given all these problems… yeah, no.

And honestly, with how things are in the world right now, I don’t see the logic in building a future. I’m not suicidal, but I don’t see the point in caring that much either. Everything feels like it’s slowly burning anyway.

Realistically, no one’s going to remember me when I’m gone. So why does any of this even matter?

So am I being nihilistic, or just realistic?