You miss her

Why do you refuse to talk to her? How is that best? Is she married with a bunch of kids? She still doesn’t know what any of it was to you, since evidently even torture can’t pry it out of you. People don’t forget what hits. If she was crazy over you once upon a time, and you’re not actually a creep, and she’s not actually hiding from you, she’s going to respond positively. Short of kids and a husband I’m not sure what your deal is. She’s with someone? Maybe you wouldn’t ever get back together, so? If the astronomical pain you spoke of was in large part to her misunderstanding of your feelings for her and the folly of youth, I think knowing that after all the dust had settled, it was pretty clear to you that what you’d had with her was singular... would feel much more sweet than bitter. Nobody has to do anything with it. That’s not really the point of the truth. You’re not sparing her by keeping her in the dark, not if you were special to her. It might actually clear a lot up.

What if she moved on and it never went away anyway? Like you; why not her? Do you believe it’s even possible that she could occupy this enormous space in your psyche, and you’re taking no space inside hers? You don’t sound like a crazy creep. You sound reasonable and sane. That’s important, it’s why you don’t want to reach out and also exactly the reason that you should.

You choose to harbor this intense pain and regret over a person who is alive and well and you could just say anything to her at any time. Why? You think you’ll derail her whole life or something? You think it’s pointless? I think you’re probably not giving her enough credit. And you’re probably scared shitless. At the very least you’re choosing the boring door and that’s a crime in itself. Pick the exciting unknown door, obviously. Why not? Sure “astronomical pain” is a risk…but I’d argue that healing and people don’t come all apart anytime an ex says, “you were truly special to me. I know you don’t need this information now, I have no expectations of you at all, it is only the truth. I am so sorry and I think you deserve to know that. I know you believed I didn’t care or love you, and I know why, and I wish I’d played that hand better.” Like that. In my fantasy she says you were both young and had lots to sort out, she holds nothing against you. But she never really stopped thinking about you, either.

Nothing ventured nothing gained isn’t just some platitude. I’m suspicious of you. How well could you have known her if you think she’s better off in a life where she never knows how much she mattered to you? That don’t make no sense, homieeeee. This is why your fans are so frustrated. Anyway, do what you will but I really think you should try something new.