I wasn’t prepared

I wasn’t prepared for how brain bending having a baby is. My baby was born? No sir, I was born.

I’m 36 and 9 weeks postpartum. As I unpacked a freezer meal I cooked at 38 weeks I stared at my writing detailing the meal and the date and thought to myself “who is this woman who wrote this?” To quote myself as to what I said to my husband tonight: “I feel transformed- like I have a completely different perspective on everything. Like I experience every moment differently . My reality has been turned upside down.” And he just stared at me.

How can I be 36 and reborn a new person with a new mind? I am completely transformed. When I see a news story on TV I think differently. When I walk on the street I think differently. When I’m in a moment of happiness I think differently. I grieve differently (my mum passed away). I love differently. I value things differently.

I went to a BBQ with friend on the weekend and here I was the shell of me on the outside but a brand new person on the inside. It was wild to me. I thought- can they notice? Maybe. But just like my friends who have birthed before me, I thought they were the same with just a baby in tow. How could I have been so naive ?

Nothing could have prepared me and unless you live this experience you just can’t comprehend.