she hurt me…but I miss her…

For those who have seen my posts here in the past, you know what I’ve been through these past couple of weeks dealing with a former best friend/crush who has hurt me in the way I never thought could have happened to me.

For those who don’t know, just a quick summary: after my performance night, my former best friend/crush got violent and tussled with her brother, and I tried to stop them, but she ended up hurting me also. Not gonna go int details but it was the worst night of my life. And she gave a half assed apology that sealed the deal for me and I blocked her on everything. Then I started to heal again and I recently went on a date with someone else that was very nice, sweet, and has healthy boundaries.

Here’s where yall will kick me. I recently unblocked my best friend, but I haven’t followed her on social media or anything like that. We have been in contact and saw each other once in person, but I regretted it because she didn’t waste time to make me feel bad about myself for her ankle being hurt due to me trying to pull her off of her brother. I made it a goal to never see her in person again, but tonight she texted me first asking how the date went, saying she was happy for me, asking what I was doing and that she wanted me to bring her some soup cause she had a rough night last night. Now y’all are gonna be like “ummmm who does she think she is???” But the way she texted me was like “I miss you bb please bring me soup I went out last night and I’m dying lol”

My first instinct was to drop what I was doing to help her, but I’m fighting every cell in my body to not do that because I don’t wanna get sucked back into the cycle of abuse. Even hearing her voice on the phone made me wanna go and help her but I know if I did then I would regret it.

It feels like me cheating on a diet if I went back to her, like I want more junk food! It’s good when it’s too, but too much of it will sink me into depression. I love her, I miss her, but I can’t go back into that dynamic again. What’s worse is that I feel like I’m betraying her and that her friends were right about me being fake and abandoning her.

Please help me, I can’t keep living like this