I've recently come to the harsh realization that I haven't genuinely experienced any joy in my life for as long as I can remember

It feels like I have a tendency to be overwhelmed by depression. Over the years, I've tried different types of anti-depressants for anxiety and depression, and I am currently prescribed the max dosage of two different medications. A part of me has really wanted to believe that they have been working, but after years of being medicated, it's starting to seem more like I haven't actually had any positive reaction to any of those medications; all I get are the side effects, and maybe that's why I thought they were helping. But I don't think that's the case, I just feel the same way that I've always felt.

As far back as I can recall, I have always been pinned as the "sad" friend of the group. There have actually been a couple of times that I know of where I had a positive reaction about something, and was told that it's "the first time I've seen you happy" (as a joke, I'm sure). And yeah I know it was mostly just part of a bit, but I think hearing it started to trigger more of an emotional response than I expected. And that's probably because I've always tried to deny it, but I know that it's true.

This goes in tandem with another realization I've had in the past year, which is that I tend to react to most moments with exasperation, resentment, or some form of mild anger. Even during moments that I think should make me feel excitement, I usually just have a neutral reaction. When I feel any type of emotion, it is generally very intense in the moment, but always fleeting and not indicative of my overall mental/emotional state. It's something that I feel like I've been struggling with for years, and was even a point of contention in my last relationship. Not like I would react with violence or intimidation. I'd never lash out at someone physically or verbally; I don't even find myself capable of yelling at someone, much less someone that I love. I feel like my problem is that I just stop responding. I will shut down and internalize everything instead, and that's probably not much healthier than lashing out. A lot of times, I don't think I am aware of my behavior until it is brought up and I have a chance to reflect on it. Even so, I still need to be accountable.

This is all to say that I think I've gone most of my adult life without a proper diagnosis, and there is a lot about mental disorders that I am just not familiar with. Growing up, mental health wasn't something that was talked about or acknowledged, so I have limited experience with it. I have talked to my doctor, and I have a referral to see a neuropsychologist. I want to feel hopeful about all of this, but I just really don't know how to feel about anything most days.