Lately I think it doesn’t matter how hard I try

I’m not in a dead bedroom per se, but I feel we’re on our way there. It’s not like this is my first rodeo or anything. As an HL woman, I see the signs. I feel like it’s headed in that direction.

My boyfriend whom I’ve been with for a little over two years is always going to be avoidant. He’s always going to see me as a potential threat to his independence and autonomy. A proposal is not in the future, nor is moving in together.

He wants me around when he wants me around and he’s perfectly happy not to have me around the rest of the time. He can go days without it occurring to him to reach out and see how I’m doing. He is fine ignoring my bids for connection and it does not even seem to occur to him that ignoring me for a long periods of time might be hurtful. It seems like he doesn’t get that sometimes I also want to be pursued.

The crazy thing is he says he loves me and I truly believe he does. But this doesn’t feel like love. It feels like a roller coaster. It feels like I’m being breadcrumbed.

When the relationship first started, I could tell that he wanted to take it slow and I was patient because I knew he had been through things. But I’m running out of patience. It’s been two years and I want this relationship to progress and if it’s not going to do that, I don’t want to continue wasting my time. Because honestly, I think there are men out there who would really like to be with a woman who has a high libido and who likes to stay in and cook for him and just do back rubs on the couch and talk or watch TV. I’m not asking you to be taken out but maybe once a month would be nice.

I’m pretty easy-going. I don’t ask for a lot. But I’m not going to constantly be pushed away.

And it sucks because while I in no way think I’m perfect in this relationship, I really do show up. I give. I try to find ways to show I care. I don’t ask him to be someone he’s not. I don’t phone it in in bed. I’ve backed off of initiating but I’m always enthusiastic when he does.

It just will never be enough. I will never be enough. Lately when I kiss him, he’ll start to gently push me away after a few minutes. It’s very subtle, but I feel it.

Okay. That’s enough. Back off now. No more.

I think I’m just done.

It’s just taking it toll and I don’t feel valued and it’s just getting to me.