Feeling worthless

I don't know where to start. This will be a long one, but I want to fucking scream (and worse but I know better) so I'm just blowing off some steam here. Not looking for pity.

I was raised as an only child in a divided household. My father was extremely hard on himself, never reaching his own expectations, and held even higher expectations to me, which I failed. My mother was extremely mentally ill, made herself the victim in her own upbringing despite repeatedly harming others (often for amusement) and is now 10yrs estranged from me after divorcing my father. She admittedly hates men herself (not trying to be one of "those guys" - straight from her mouth) and after I stopped being a cute little bundle of joy, she wanted little to nothing to do with me as a person.

I was only spanked by my father, but was woken up with a book upside the head by him at least once for not having a clean room. I was an inconvenient child, being on the ADHD/Autism spectrum (Dad is Au/DHD spec too) and was a constant source of frustration, and thusly, an easy target not only for my parents and their issues/frustrations, but for my peers as well. I took things way too seriously as a kid and did not have a sense of humor, and at 29yo looking back, I'm not sure how much of it was bullying or my peers having a sense of humor I could not understand.

I feel so fucking alone.

The only father figure that endured in my life is my grandfather, who has his own health issues and with him turning 70 this year, I'm staring down the very real possibility of losing one of the few people who treated me like a person and involved me in their activities willingly very soon.

My father wants me to be a part of his life, but has openly stated he hated me after my mother divorced him, and on his best days treated me like a servant, having me run around fetching himself or any guests we may have had drinks, smokes, etc., speaking my friend's praises when they visited while treating me like an unfortunate presence. This treatment continues to this day, with many people noticing it, and it feels like he does his best to ignore me and my interests and my art, despite my best attempts at trying to connect with him, in favor of my step sister and BIL, or a brother-from-another-mother friend of mine he has taken a sort of mentorship to.

I am bi/pan and have dated men in the past, which my dad claimed he had no problem with but expressed that he "knows" I'd be happier with women. I am currently 5y in with my current girlfriend, my longest after my ~1y with an ex bf of mine that turned out to have been an offending pedophile in the past (in my youth i mistakenly thought I could change him but he left me before our 1y anniversary when he was 21 and I had just turned 18 for a 14yo girl, whom he waited on/groomed until she was 18 and married her).

While my girlfriend is the sweetest person in my life, I feel like all I am is a provider of comfort and care, while being made to shoulder the financial, culinary, and cleanliness responsibilities of home. She is minorly disabled, having some sort of dystonia or dyskinesia, often limited in what she can do by her tremors and extreme paranoia, anxiety, and OCD.

About 2y ago I changed jobs and had to change insurance as well. The insurance of the new job in the first year was ruinously expensive, taking $700 out of every paycheck, leaving me with $200 a pay period to cover my expenses to pay for her and my own health insurance. the following year we went with marketplace health insurance, which was fine but didn't beat my previous job's cheap and comprehensive insurance, and with Trump's current administration, those tax credits have gone away. The current health insurance we have (same job, different contractor, different insurance) has an okay monthly premium, but has a $3000 deductible, which with us now separately insured, it's fine, but now we essentially have a $6000 deductible between the two of us.

She goes to NOCD, and with the new insurance and deductible, we recently found out she owes them ~$1000 in fees. She's on a payment plan of $95 a week, and one of her fees recently went through, and since I didn't pull our rent money out in time, it went through with our other bills and now we won't have enough for rent until our next paycheck, about a week away.

I'm just so fucking tired of life. I feel like my health, my rest, my contentment is not worth anything anymore. I'm going bavk to my old job, but I don't think I'm going to get health insurance again. With the ruinous billionaire tax break, increasing price gouging on everything, soaring insurance and gas and grocery prices, I just feel helpless. I already feel mentally burnt out, handicapped, all sorts of mean words for my own mental state I could but won't say, I feel ugly and undesirable, I don't sleep, I overeat because food is one of my few comforts so I'm probably gonna be diabetic soon, I'm just so fucking tired and I don't see a way out. I don't feel like I'm worth anything. I don't feel welcome around anyone, like I smell like shit or look like a goblin or something, I feel like if my already strained relationship with my gf gives out after us now fighting every other week because of her own stress clashing with mine, that no one would ever find me attractive or desirable or give me the time. I feel like my friends and family keep me around because they pity me. I feel completely fucking alone and I don't know what to do.

If I could sell my body and organs for a lump sum, give the money to my girlfriend, and then just get hacked to pieces so I could finally feel useful, I'd sign in a fucking heartbeat.