When do I get to think about ME?

I am hoping sharing here will be helpful, but might delete later.

I am a mom in my 40s, married for a long time. Almost 20 years.

I am in therapy because I was damn close to checking myself into a grippy sock vacation, for real. I have struggled with mental health stuff my entire life and had emotionally immature parents who either didn't see it or willfully ignored it, and mental health struggles were shamed in my family. All that to say, I never got any type of help until I had severeeee PPD after the births of my kids... which is when I got on meds. I didn't start therapy until 9 months ago when every med in the book was no longer working to keep me willfully on this earth.

Therapy is great, but it unpacks a lot of heavy shit. Turns out when you've spent your whole life coping by shoving down and stuffing your feelings... that you just don't magically learn to unpack and deal with them overnight. It has been hard. Really hard. In some ways I often feel like I am reliving traumas I thought I had let go of many years ago.

I was raised to believe that it was my sole purpose in life to keep the adults in my house happy. I was not allowed to have needs. I was not allowed to be a child. I did not feel like I could make mistakes, or share who I really was with the adults in my life. I learned early and quickly that the smaller I made myself, the better everyone liked me.

I carried that with me into my teen years. I made sure I was always likeable, pleasant, fun, no drama. I never asked for anything and was always praised for how easy going I was. I sacrificed everything about myself to make other people happy. I had no needs and I really thought I was *better* than other girls who caused a stir or were too needy.

That got me into a string of relationships with boys and men who were eager to take advantage of the girl with no boundaries and no needs. That history is way too much to unpack here.

I eventually found my now-H, we got married and have had a pleasant marriage. So why am I now, in my 40s, so damn unhappy and feel like my life is crumbling?

It turns out when you show everyone you have no needs and no boundaries.... they believe you. You attract people who are looking for someone who won't ask too much of them.

Here I am in mid life and realizing that when I am in a crisis, I have no one to turn to. I dont even know how to ask for help.

I have spent my entire life handling things 100% on my own. Giving to others freely. Being the best friend everyone needed, first one to lend a hand, the person you call when you just need to vent.

I love my family and my friends but when I scan the room...I don't know if I could get help from any of them if I really needed it. I don't know if any of them would lend an ear if I just needed to vent about something.

I don't even know who I am. I feel like I've spent my entire life playing a part on stage that I didn't ask to play, and the show keeps going on.

I don't know what the solution is but it's really freaking lonely. I have my therapist and I have my meds and I know I will get through it. I have been through much worse.

If you've been here and gotten through to the other side I would love to hear how.