the pain and rage feels worse as time passes without a word

oct 1, i (22f) had just finished making the two hour drive back to my house from his (20m) apartment. the night before, he had acted a little strange, not letting me look over his shoulder at his phone. i pleaded for him to tell me what was wrong. he said everything is fine. he asked to call to discuss something later after i got home. and then he broke up with me over facetime, just days shy of our two year anniversary. i had just graduated college in may and was still unemployed, going through a deeply hard time with my parents separating and me unable to find a job, living at their house. he had just moved into an apartment with his friends, at the big university in our state. i made the two hour drive almost weekly to see him, and he never even took me out to at least see the town at all. he said he would put more effort in, kept promising he would do better, just for him to be dumping me over facetime. the 30 min call was basically me just crying and saying i don’t understand. the reason he gave was “my heart just isn’t in it anymore” . okay, i respect breaking up with someone when you realize you no longer love them. he said we shouldn’t speak to each other. i asked if we could have a deeper conversation about things that weekend, in just three days. he agreed, but once that day came around, completely blew me off. we never had a conversation about it. i was left to speculate what really happened, and i spiraled for weeks.

ive been trying to cope with the pain and anger and sadness for 6 months now. i haven’t bothered him at all since mid-october when i asked him to put my clothes in a bag for me to pick up. i even picked up my clothes without seeing him. but the more time that goes by without him speaking to me, i feel myself getting increasingly angry at him for doing me like this. for leaving me at one of the worst times of my life to harbor all of this myself. he is very close with his family. he is literally living with his best friends and making many more at his new school. i am not close with my family. my best friends have long-term boyfriends they live with and are talking about getting married. i feel like i’ve been left to deal with these emotions myself while he has fun with his new life.

sure, i got a new job and tried to get my life together in the meantime, but i still feel like a part of me was ripped away. i’ve got new hobbies and new friends too but it doesn’t change what he did. i feel like i just let him dump me without hardly having any say, other than the initial call when he offered to stay together until the following week to have a conversation, but why would i drag someone along who doesn’t want to be with me. ive blocked him from all of my socials so i stop checking them. im hurting so bad still, i constantly wonder what his life looks like now, and if he cares to think about mine or how im doing. recently ive even been having dreams where he is there and i can just talk to him about how hurt and betrayed i feel for him to leave me at already such a deeply troubling time for me. navigating all of these traumas at once by myself has felt so lonely.

all i really want is just a genuine, in-person conversation and apology. i don’t even want him back at all. so i continue to leave him alone while he has fun at his new uni and deal with this all by myself. waiting for him to care enough to reach out so i can say what i want to say. it feels impossible sometimes—if anyone has advice for me please share because im tired of being sad and angry at him. the implications of it all continue to be just soooooo hurtful. i’m 23 now he didn’t even wish me happy birthday. am i wrong for thinking i was owed more.?