Mark Carney and Doug Ford to set up $8.8 Trillion fund to cover preconstruction speculation losses

HOT OFF THE PRESS

In a common-sense move to preserve Canada’s fragile leveraged preconstruction ecosystem, Mark Carney and Doug Ford are launching a new fund to cover the shocking shortfall between what speculators paid in 2022 and what buyers are rudely willing to pay today.

Following the successful model of helping municipalities slash development charges, the program ensures no investor ever faces the outdated concept of “risk.”

Officials clarified that allowing housing investors to lose money would be deeply un-Canadian and could cause serious side effects, including realistic pricing.

A spokesperson confirmed the logical next step is legislation formally banning losses in residential real estate, because markets are great — as long as they only go up!

ALERT - THIS IS SATIRE!