Just a vent session

I found this subreddit earlier today and spent most of the afternoon just scrolling and reading and seeing so damn seen. I could have sworn that some of yall were raised in the same house as me and my brother. If you had told me even a few years ago that I had an abusive parent, I would have probably laughed in your face; our step mom never laid a hand on me, we were fed and clothed and had all of our basic needs met. But as I do more research, and just gain more perspective, I've realized that the abuse doesn't have to be physical for it to be considered abuse.

My step mom married my dad when I was 5, my brother was 11, so for all intents and purposes, she raised me and she was my "mom". She called me her daughter, but referred to my brother as her step son. She HATED when I even implied she was anything but my mother to the point that she would make implications to others that she was my physical, biological mother. And by others, I mean her friends who were AT THE WEDDING TO MY FATHER WHERE I WAS THE FLOWER GIRL. Ma'am, BFFR, everyone here knows you are not actually my mother considering half of these people were in your wedding. The first time I dyed my hair red, I said "LOL I'm actually legit a red headed step child now" you would have thought I called up the damn pope and told him that she committed a cardinal sin with how angry she was. She hated every single time I went red, so naturally I did it as much as possible when I lived with them.

Even as I got older, I knew it wasn't normal to constantly be told "I should have listened to my friends when they told me not to marry your father" or "you know what they say; little kids little problems, big kids big problems" when the "big problem" was me wanting to make plans on a day we apparently had a family event that I wasn't told about, but I needed to magically know about.

My step mom's favorite MO was to start a fight and she'd argue until one of us caved. If we didn't, she'd claim to have a headache and disappear for a few days and not face any of us. She started a fight downstairs and I tried to go upstairs to my room, but she kept following and trying to instigate further. My dad came out of their room when we hit the landing of the stairs to see what was going on and under her breath she muttered "you're a bitch" and then SUPER loud said "Did you hear that! She called me a bitch!! Why don't you say it loud enough for everyone to hear" and I turned around and said "No, Mom, that was you. But if you'd like me to call you a bitch, I'd be more than happy to." My dad, who never really got into the arguments between us and has less of a spine than a jellyfish, actually yelled at her and told her to cut the shit and not to follow me into my room. That of course started a fight with the two of them where she actually left the house for a day or so. During this fight on the stairs, she kept saying "I should just leave, clearly I'm not wanted here." and I told her "You keep threatening that, but I'll actually believe it when I see it." She always used to threaten to leave my dad and this was the first time I didn't beg her not to. I was upper teens (16/17) so I was onto her antics at that point, and then she started in with the bitch nonsense.

One of my "favorite" fights of ours (is it weird to have a favorite fight? But also, the fact that we had SO many that I can actually pick a favorite), I was getting ready to go to my at the time boyfriends house, and she started in and picked a fight over something innocuous. She probably claimed I didn't tell her what I was doing for the day, because that was one of her favorite things to do, claim I never told her what I was doing so when she had all these plans to spend the day, it made me an inconsiderate daughter who never wanted to spend time with their parent. We were standing in front of the front door as I was literally trying to leave and I don't recall what she said, but she put her finger in my face. I grabbed her finger and as calm as possible, told her "Put your finger in my face again and I'll break it right the fuck off." I shoved her hand back towards her and walked out the door without looking back. After about a week of not talking to her, she came to the gym that I worked at (I was 23 and did childcare part time while going to school) to beg me for my forgiveness. I told her I would consider it if she went to therapy, she agreed and then a couple of weeks later when she asked why I wasn't talking to her, I asked her if she had gone to the agreed upon therapy and she told me that she never said that she would go and I was once again making things up and that I was the one that needed to be in therapy. A very classic DARVO response that she utilized often. (She wasn't wrong that I needed therapy, but it was definitely due to how I was raised.)

I've been LC/NC since 2021, when they randomly showed up at the door to my house (at 7:30 in the morning, btw) that I purchased without their input, guidance, or assistance at the age of 32. They live in the northeast, and I live in Florida, about 30 minutes away from my brother. The entire time she was in my house (which she said she needed to be let in because she had to use the bathroom), she kept comparing my house to my brother's new house and saying how much better my house was than his. For reference, my grandparents helped my dad and mom with the downpayments when they purchased my childhood home, and my step mom's dad had to be a cosigner on the mortgage of the townhouse she purchased before she met my dad. IIRC, he also helped her out with the downpayment.

She calls me every few months, I guess with the hope that I'll answer? She texted me for Christmas a few years ago (2022) and I responded "Thanks, brother and I went to his coworkers because we didn't have anywhere else to go" and then immediately blocked her number. (The probably 2 bottles of wine I had throughout the day told me it was a great response) She also texted me for my Hulu password because "they're retired and spend so much time at home and don't have anything else to do" several months after I changed the password and logged all of my devices out. I told her I wasn't sharing my password with anyone (that was a lie, I shared it with two of my friends) and that's when she tried to pull the "woe is me, feel bad for your retired geriatric parents". She also recently texted me to tell me about some health issues my dad has been having, the first of which happened in November that my brother told me about as it was happening. and more recently some cardiac issues which shortened their vacation to her cousin's second house in south florida that they stay at rent free for 4 months out of the year. But yes, please continue to tell me how you guys live on a fixed income when I know for a fact that my dad's retirement portfolio was worth 7 figures. An inheritance that was always threatened to be donated to St Jude's anytime my brother or myself said something slightly untoward.

Sometimes I feel guilty that I don't talk to at least my dad, because they ARE getting older (they're 78 and 76 this year) but I know I can't have any sort of communication with my dad without her intervening, unlike my brother. They never had a solid relationship so she doesn't even try anymore if he doesn't reach out to her, unless it's to communicate about our dad. But then I know it'll start a cycle of her trying to guilt tripping me for not talking the last few years and her trying to absolutely blow past any boundary that I could possibly set.

If you've made it this far, I give you major props. I don't know what I intended with this obnoxiously lengthy post, I guess just get some of it out there and not be made to feel like I'm absolutely crazy. There are SO many other things I could get into but this post is already egregiously long. But for now, thank you for being a safe space that I can rant and bitch about my step mom before I have to actually face my fear of possibly being judged by a stranger and actually starting therapy.