trying to make peace w the past is tiring. i’m tired

So as an exJW who was born in the truth, very dedicated to the point of getting baptized by 12yo (can’t recall how many times I was asked if I was sure abt it by the elders bc “it’s a serious decision”), left the org by 18yo bc all I wanted to do was not allowed for the sole reason of being female.

I was raised by a fanatic mother, I remember cutting out friendships (real ones) bc they left the org bc it was the right thing to do, I was being obedient. Even stopped talking to my sister when she suddenly found it was time to get married to her boyfriend (that was real rushed — all bc she got accidentally pregnant before marriage, lost the baby, twas God punishment).

Following the rules was all I knew. And even so, I was never allowed to go to Bethel, not as a non-married female. I wanted to learn sign language to reach even more people, to teach abt the truth, but any idea I had that was slightly independent (never had interest in getting married), I couldn’t bc the org is sexist as hell.

My mom was divorced before entering this cult, made everything to gain respect, married my dad by their rules, had to divorce again bc he cheated and got disfellowshipped — she never really was respected in there but until this day the messages me inviting to the memorial and sends WT site articles.

I find it curious to say the least bc oh, now you wanna talk to me? She kicked me from her home when I got tired of having no rights, and on the contrary my younger brother who would make the minimal effort had so many more privileges. I remember a day I went to a regular meeting in a summer dress, it wasn’t in any way immoral (my mom bought it for me!) and an elder called me to point out it was innapropriate to show my shoulders like that as a baptized sister. I was 13.

The thing is, now I’m in my 30s and I have a very quiet, calm life since I forcefully left the only home I knew. I was scared back then, had a job that couldn’t afford living alone (shared many places from 19 to 26 w random people, most of that time without a private bedroom, got my belongings stolen), I knew nothing abt the world.

I always used my new found freedom wisely, took my own time to open up to sex (it had to have meaning and connection), never really gave in to peer pressure abt drugs — I know my genes, psychosis runs in the family and I was on my own, couldn’t take chances.

And even so, my mother hates me, thinks I’m a slut for living w my partner (a loving young man who provides me so much emotional stability). Sometimes I just think what’s the point w this cult. I have severe trauma for growing up this way, and yet I’m here trying to have normal conversations w my mother, like “hey mom! how you doing?” and all she replies is “I’m doing amazing, thank Jehovah”. No asking back. My partner’s parents express so much pity for me not having contact w my family, and I’m like, what family? All I knew was neglect and obligation. The only day of my life I felt truly loved by my mom was the day I got baptized. I look at the photos of this day and I don’t even know how to feel.