I(F24) emotionally abused my first lover(M22) of 5 years.

I am the toxic one

Ah, BPD.

my ex shared screenshots of moments where i was splitting, which led to him hurting a lot and staying because he really did love me, he really did understand me. at that time he didn’t think of his self-respect, after i called him names, because he could see i am just bpd.

After years of compartmentalization of being with me, I'm proud that he finally got to figure his feelings out and share his story on how he went through abuse for me.

i can’t lie, i’m tearing up as of this moment, typing these. i’m tearing up because i’m proud that he finally has the voice to open up.

weirdly, those actions that i did. i don’t feel the guilt.

I don’t feel guilt because my body doesn’t remember the rage i accumulated to being toxic.

i’m sorry.

(is it possible to be genuinely sorry even if you’re not guilty?)

i’m sorry for pushing and pulling you all the time.

i should’ve given the love you deserve, which is to walk away.

our mutual friends all lost respect for me, after you shared my vulnerable moment of not being myself and not walking away to protect you.

but it is understandable, for you are a victim of the abuse i did.

i am sorry.

it feels wrong to say this, but i love you. even if as of now, i am confused if what i felt was love, even after i emotionally abused you.

again, i am sorry.