[32M] [30F] Boyfriend says I’m not feminine/desirable enough to kiss or initiate sex with… and we’ve barely kissed in 10+ years

I’m honestly embarrassed to even write this, but I need outside perspective.

My boyfriend and I have been together on and off for over 10 years. One of the biggest issues in our relationship is physical intimacy, especially kissing and sex. He has told me that I don’t dress feminine enough, don’t make myself desirable enough, and don’t really know how to initiate sex. He says he puts effort into himself and wants to feel attracted and pursued too, but that I come across too boyish, too insecure, and not enticing.

The part that really hurts is that he has basically not allowed us to kiss for years. He says he just does not like kissing. There have only been a few times in between, and usually it was when he was drunk. Otherwise, kissing is pretty much off the table. It makes me feel unwanted, rejected, and honestly humiliated.

I do struggle with body image and confidence, and over the years that has made me even more afraid to initiate anything. It feels like I’m supposed to magically become this confident, feminine, sexually open person, while also feeling like the man I love doesn’t even want to kiss me. That messes with your head badly.

I know attraction matters in a relationship, and I know effort matters too, but I can’t tell if I’m truly failing in some major way or if this has crossed into emotional damage. I feel like I’ve spent years feeling “not good enough” for basic affection.

What makes this harder is that we’ve built a whole life and history together. So it’s not easy to just say “leave.” But I can’t ignore how painful it is to be told, directly or indirectly, that I’m not desirable enough to be kissed.

Has anyone been in a relationship where one partner says they aren’t attracted because of how the other presents themselves? Is this something that can actually be worked through, or is this too damaging after so many years? And how is someone supposed to initiate sex when they already feel rejected at the most basic level?