have i been in a relationship with someone who SA’d me?

my (22F) and boyfriend (22M) have been together for almost 3 years now. we have been friends since middle school. we reconnected though in 2023. things got romantic, i started seeing him more often.

when we reconnected, my entire family had to separate due to an eviction caused by my alcoholic mom. i lost my childhood literally overnight. they told me we were evicted and had to pack the next day. i ended up living with my dads side who were basically strangers and ended up being very mean and emotionally unavailable (surprise). while this was going on i would travel to meet my now boyfriend every month or every other month (we were long distance). anyway, now that im on my way out, ive been telling people all of the things that made me want to leave and they are looking at me like im crazy and even saying i was raped or assaulted and thats just hard for me to actually believe. :/

while we were still just dating, we had sex. i had vaginismus (involuntary spasms that make penetration painful). at one point i told him that it hurt, he kept going briefly, maybe like 2 seconds. i froze, stared at him, and he immediately started apologizing saying he shouldn’t have done that. i was very upset and confused. i asked him why he’d done it and he said “it felt good”. his answer upset me, he changed it. he kept crying i was crying. i never really got over it but he apologized and it seemed like he felt really bad. we were friends, so i forgave him.

during this same week, him and i were playing going back and forth. i jokingly picked up my phone and said “hey babe” as if i was talking to another guy. he grabs his gun and puts it to my head. i froze again, freaked out. asked him why?? he said he thought we were playing and that maybe it was something i was in to.

a year later (i know) he takes me to another country for my 21st birthday (i had moved in at this point) we were in a big club and i was dancing, i was getting lots of attention and he was getting attention for being with me. he pulls out my boobs. randomly. just pulls em out in the middle of the club. i didnt want to ruin my night so i just moved on and asked him about it the next day. he said we were both drunk and it was just the vibe and we should forget about.

there are many other things that happened in this relationship. amongst these major events. at one point he had said “you act like this because you dont have a dad right?” when i told him something sexual i liked. mind you my dad had died 1 1/2 year before this. we weren’t close when he was alive.

my boyfriend would lie about random things all the time, be very avoidant all the time. ditch me. when i drove 17 hours to come live (after finally having no where else to house hop after the eviction) with him he went out with his friends while i stayed in a 50 dollar room in this weird airbnb in the middle of nowhere at the half way point in my drive. i told him i just wanted to talk till i went to bed but he said he really wanted to be involved with his new coworker friends. i never got over that

more recently he ditched me after we had plans to go to a restaurant. we had planned to goto my favorite restaurant because i had coupons and a few hours before he told me he was actually going to a football game with a friend. i asked if i could come too? he said no. i told him how i felt he was ditching me. he left anyway then ghosted me for 2 hours after i texted him and told him this wasnt like him and i felt very hurt by it.

well those are just some things that have happened. im planning my exit. i finally feel like i can leave and take care of myself. ive been crying and literally screaming. i cant come to terms with the fact that i let myself down like this and ive spent so much time with someone who treated me so poorly from the beginning ): and im having trouble believing im a victim like people are insinuating when i tell them this stuff. im going to sound crazy but he has also been very kind to me. he would apologize and seem to mean it. hes done romantic things, hes provided for me financially. i still feel like he would do anything for me. the really bad things dont happen anymore and its been so long i feel like the decision im making to leave is random. why cant i help but feel like hes a good guy?