[M31] [M28] LDR Ended today after 4+ years and a 12 week break. He said "he needs to find himself."

I've posted here about this probable where my BF[28] and I [31] were having a hard time since January and sometime 2025/June.

Today, we broke up officially because he said he wants to be alone, he doesn't know if he wants to date, have a relationship, have a long-term, or if he even wants to marry now. He said he couldn't relate to anyone and only had girls as friends growing up but had no one to talk to or give him attention until he started playing online. He met some people prior but I guess I was the first real substantial boyfriend. While he couldn't find any fault between us, he felt very upset that he cannot be the person I want no matter how I try to be patient and understanding to work with him and be there. He was like "You can find someone better. I don't know what I want. I've always wanted to date and be loved but now I don't know - I'm not happy with my life or my choices. I don't want you waiting on me."

So, we couldn't get off the call. We couldn't separate. I was like is this goodbye? Do I say goodbye or are you waiting on me to say something to save us? He said, "no." I'd ask do you really want me to go?" He said, "Yes." But we couldn't hang up and when I went to say goodbye - he said, "No. See you tomorrow" > Which for him, if anyone knows is an HSR reference.

I know it's probably childish but that was a quality I appreciated about him, he was more on the simple and innocent side but sometimes got annoyingly too childish. But I could live with that because I just assumed it was a phase and he'd eventually grow past it like I did. But that line "see you tomorrow" meaning there's hope to meet again, absolutely killed me. It's like sure, perhaps you'll learn and grow in this time apart but how long? When will we meet again? Who's to say I'll like the new version of you? While it's a fresh wound right now - it just leaves me with so much confusion. That we finally found out that we really had no issues and it was more of a communication misunderstanding...that did it really have to end and give up? Do you really need to find yourself?

Is that an okay ending? I mean it has to be. Nothing I can do about it. Don't get me wrong, I wish he'd text me or I wish I would text him. We didn't block or anything like that. But it just hurts so much.

Context of the last 12 weeks.

(LDR) We've met multiple times and planned on moving together but that discussion slowly faded last year, I thought he was cheating around July after seeing him again on his birthday for a week. He wasn't cheating but said he needed some time or wanted to end it even though he didn't want to lose me because my "life" (I have a difficult family that needs me) was bothering him. But he met my family, loved them, didn't have an issue where I'm helping them, etc., and it never stopped my intent to move away or us move together. I just had family stress that has now finally subsided.

Then, after December, when I said he couldn't send me something for Christmas because I knew how tight his money was and how if my family saw a gift from a man they'd freak out. So, it was easier to not send anything and compromise elsewhere. Plan a trip together etc.

But he changed because he was so set on sending me something. Which in my defense, I didn't think it through that it would really hurt when I tried to explain why he shouldn't send anything.

From there into January, he just felt so distant and had snide remarks about staying long-term. Until I pulled it out of him one Saturday. (For 4 and a half years, we talked every day, all day long, texting, then anywhere upwards to 12 hours on voice calls or video calls at random days until his job changed, stressed him out a lot, and we made "Saturday" our thing. So, Jan. 17 I pulled it out of him, "Do you want to break up?" "Do you still love me? Or love me only as a friend? Do you want to be able to meet others etc.?" He didn't give a clear answer other than he felt like he can't give me the love I give him. Anxious and upset I sort-of hurried it up without clearly getting too many answers and just agreed to stop.

A day or two later we started talking again, he explained its because I talk too much lately, I didn't let him reciprocate, and the flirting stopped. So we went on a break. For 12 weeks, I was looking back at old messages on discord, some even a few days worth were more than the 400 pages of backtracking discord allows. So, 400+pages of message in just a few days X 4 years. I guess we did chat a lot. He was my best friend as much as my love, we were each other's support system with no real issues.

In those 12 weeks, we still talked daily, some days were hot some were cold. Some were flirty some were lewd. Which confused me because it wasn't consistent. I needed consistency and assurance.

We spent Valentines Day together, we spent odd days together. Working as a Professor I got spring break off - I told him - but he said he wanted to take days off so we could spend time together but didn't take days off "when I was off" and would then be silly about "are you home yet? what are you doing today?" as if I had to get him to say, he was waiting on me.

Anyway, we spend these days together, he asked me to be available on specific days. I thought something special was going to happen but we just sat and talked or watched things.

Throughout all that he kept saying let's take it a day at a time and whatever happens happens. I don't care if you see someone or w/e he would say - which hurt me because I thought we were working on something. Then, one day, he was flirting and being lewd like "eat my a**" and I jokingly asked if he says that to everyone, he says, only to someone I like and whatever we said after prompted me to ask, "But I thought I broke up with you?" he said "That's past tense" but when I follow up with "What's that mean" all he could do was send a gif of "hmm TBD." I can't live with such confusion and back and forth. I felt anxious to the point of being sick. Since he wouldn't be clear, I did a fool thing and grabbed a random picture and pretended I was going to go on a date (obviously I'm in the wrong here and I cringe at that toxic behavior - but I was trying to get some sort of answer). He was totally okay with it...but then the next day on "our Saturday" he was so upset and didn't speak to me until he just erupted that night.

He said he didn't know why he deserved that. What he did wrong. etc. I tried to explain that it was not intentional to hurt him or force his love. But to get him to be clear. I apologized profusely. We seemly got over that and he said he just doesn't want to keep hurting me.

He sends me pictures and lewd pictures. I'm like how does someone who doesn't want to be with me do that? How doe someone say lewd things or talk about me getting off etc. How do we get flirty and cute and constantly talk?

We talked about meeting soon. We spent more days together etc.

But at the end of the day, he was no longer asking how I am or what's up etc. It felt very surface level and cute. Looking back, I never once stopped loving him or flirting like he said, it was just that it seemingly died in December 2025 with no clear reason.

Just a week or a few days before our breakup today, it was all cute. But I just don't know I'm so lost and it's like did someone else sway your feelings? What went wrong or what can I do to help? It's like I have no clear answer or don't understand or do understand and struggle to face it atm. It feels like I loved him more than he loved me but I got anxious and dumb because I lost some trust and clarity.