I genuinely cant move on and I dont think I want to.

The breakup was in October or September of 2024. Its obviously now 2026, hes been with his new girl for a year, and I still cant move on. It was a mess of a breakup because I couldnt make up my mind. I was questioning my sexuality and was scared that if I never got to try things with a girl now I would regret it for the rest of my life. I was scared of ending up with a man. March of 2025 after trying things with an old (middle school) girlfriend of mine, I realized that I wasnt as attracted to girls like I thought I was, and realized that I threw away my relationship over anxiety and dread that once I gave in to, learned that it was all for nothing. We kept in contact in all that time so I thought I would tell him how I felt and apologize for everything. He forgave me and then told me that he was talking to someone new. After many talks about getting back together and giving us a second chance, he ended up choosing her. Summer of 2025 he texted me, replying to one of many embarrassing texts I sent while being blocked begging for him back. We kept in contact on and off until the end of 2025. He always came back saying he missed me when him and his girlfriend broke up and then would forget about me as soon as they were good again. He completely stopped texting me in September 2025 and him and his new girl have been going on strong since I guess. I know and feel like such a loser for hanging around and having no self respect. But before he reached out in the summer and I was blocked on everything for months, I still thought of him and missed him everyday. After September I thought I had moved on, I wasnt looking for him every where I went, I was happy with being by myself, I was developing interest in other people. But something just switched 2 months ago and I got thrown into missing him all over again. I look for his face everywhere I go, I search every crevice of my phone for pictures of him I forgot to delete, every song is about him, every old meme we shared together resurfaces. I find things that remind me of him everywhere without even trying. Im not even against to seeing new people right now but I feel like no matter who Im with, ill be thinking of him. We were only together for 8-9 months and it still hurts more than my 2 year relationship before him. No matter how hard I try to not remember him and not search for him, hes still somehow always on my mind. If im doing something, I wish he was there. If im sad, I wish he was there. When something happens, I wonder what he would think about it. I just dont know what to do anymore. I havent seen or spoke to him in months and I still feel all these feelings for him. I dont even know if I still love him, I dont know who he is anymore or how hes changed. I dont even know what I would do if he came back to me right now. I just know that he is in my head all the time. I miss us all the time. I pray that our paths cross in the future and things could be different. Or I pray that he says horrid things to and about me so I feel hate towards him instead of longing. He truly was the sweetest person ive ever met. I never before met someone who mirrored me so well and understood me. I loved him because he saw every side of me and loved every single one of them. He supported everything I did and was there for highs and lows. He didnt judge me when I let myself be comfortable with him. He was so forgiving and loving and caring. I feel like such a shit person for throwing it away, I genuinely have blocked out a lot in that time in my life so I dont even remember anymore how or why I thought that ruining all of this is what I needed.

Sorry for the long post, I really dont have anyone to vent about this too because I feel like everyone around me is tired of me talking about it.