My hardest day so far

I wouldn’t picture that my hardest day would be with 47th day. I think it finally hit me today. i’ve thought about alcohol the last 47 days even though I’ve been sober, it hit me that I’m actually an alcoholic and it might get better, im not going to drink but i miss it, i miss the numbing that comes with it, i’m feeling all my feelings and trauma that i kept locked up for so long, so for no reason today ive just had cathartic crying. I told my husband to leave me alone for a moment but all i feel is this profound deep sadness.