I still think about my ex when masturbating

this is honestly really embarrassing for me, so I made a throwaway account JUST to talk about this 😭

for context Im 22 (turning 23) my ex bf is 25 (turning 26)

I met him online during my second year of highschool (?), and at first he generally could not stand me, and I was crushing HARD for like 2/3 years, we got together a week or 2 after my 18th birthday, he was pretty much my first everything

first actually serious relationship, first person I truly confessed how my trauma shaped me as a person, my first health sexual relationship

now to get into some of the more nitty gritty

he would (per my request) guide me through masturbating, and my god the way he would talk to me was the hottest shit ever (in my opinion)

I would send him nudes (pictures of my breasts) and clips of me masturbating to the thought of him, he would make me so weak in the knees

I remember explicitly one time I was on call with him masturbating, and I paused to catch my breath, and he said "did I say you could stop?" (mind you I was only a little winded it was more of a break because my legs felt like jello) and when I say I almost creamed on the spot?, I thought I had ascended

anyways, we broke up (my doing because i was extremely overwhelmed with life) and he was the sweetest about it, he would constantly check in on me (even though I was being a sour bitch and debated on blocking him, I didn't btw)

fast forward to like a few months ago (mind you I never actually stopped loving him) I had been in a really depressed state and he was there for me (he always is) and I blurred out that I still love him, and he buffered and said to me "don't tease me" in the sad puppy kind of way that always makes me swoon, and I told him "I'm being extremely serious, I just don't know if now is a good time for us to get back together :(" and he promised me he would still be here and ready for when I was

but like as stated in the title, he plagues my mind whenever I masturbate, to the point that I can't get off without thinking about his voice/what it would be like to be pinned under him well he takes my virginity (plot twist lmao)

to say I'm whipped for him would be an UNDERSTATEMENT

anyways thanks for coming to my ted talk