AIO guy I was seeing long distance flaked on coming to visit me the morning he was supposed to fly in after planning the trip for 3 months

I (30F) was seeing a coworker (39M) long distance for five months. We’d known each other for 2.5 years and worked closely before dating. I flew to see him twice (once in the US when he came on vacation and once to his home in Ireland), and we planned for him to visit me next—but he took a while to nail down the dates and February turned into April, three months after my Ireland trip.

In between visits, we talked on the phone for hours each week and texted daily. I grew very emotionally attached and felt our connection deepening. I have never had such rich and long conversations with anyone before. We talked about everything, including emotional vulnerability, love languages and I thought he was opening up to me (even though he’s never been in a relationship longer than a year at 39 and is a self-proclaimed avoidant – red flags, I know). He knew I loved the office in Ireland and was thinking about moving. But we never spoke about that explicitly. I also knew that one day he wanted to move home to rural Ireland but I figured if things really worked out, I could make it work.I thought I was falling in love and was willing to do what it took to be with him.

I was so excited because he was finally supposed to fly in yesterday (on Friday). Instead he took me through the most insane emotional whiplash I’ve experienced.

Some more context: In the last couple weeks, I had noticed his communication became more inconsistent (fewer emojis, fewer goodnight texts, etc). Then, we had a long call on Tuesday that felt completely normal, but on Wednesday he suddenly texted doubts about the distance. When I called, he listed concerns—wanting to move back to his hometown soon and have kids within two years. I told him I was open to moving to Ireland if the visit went well, but hadn’t raised it yet because I didn’t want it to seem like I was moving “for him” so early. I also said his timeline for kids felt reasonable to me. I told him in very strong terms how I felt about him emotionally and that I saw him as a future partner and the ambiguity of our situation was worth it to me. The conversation ended on a good note, and we even talked about improving communication going forward. He sent a follow up text affirming this. Then on Thursday, he was the most excited I’d ever seen him—texting all day about how much he couldn’t wait to see me - “I’m so excited to see you…1 more sleep!”

But on Friday morning, I texted asking if he was at the airport. He replied 20 minutes later with a voice note (sounding terrible and upset) saying he’d been up all night and he changed his flight to later that day. When I called, he admitted he was unsure and that coming to see me would feel like a commitment he couldn’t make—despite being so loving the day before and repeatedly promising he’d come see me for months.

The conversation felt all over the place. He said he might still come later that day... then maybe he could come the next day. He kept affirming he wanted to see me. He said “if you want me to come, I’ll come”. But then he deflected again and said he could come in two weeks—"as buddies. Name your date and I’ll be there” That’s when it clicked for me that it was over.

All together, we were probably on the phone for 4 hours on Friday and then spent hours texting me later that night continuing to explain himself, saying he's not clear in his decision (I don't believe that), giving me all of these platitudes about how amazing I am, but honestly not really taking full accountability.

I sent him a letter today explaining how he made me feel and was a bit underwhelmed by his response. He’s apologetic that "he has made me feel this way", but hasn't outright stated that what he did on Friday was just so wrong.

He keeps re-iterating that he wants to stay connected and stay talking to me. Essentially continuing the connection without any romantic involvement or strings attached, I suppose. We are talking again tomorrow and need to have an answer for him on how I feel.

I feel horrible, can barely eat and could hardly get off the couch today. Am I overreacting to what he did? How angry should I be? Should I continue to be friends with him? I value his connection and don’t feel ready to lose him, but I don’t think I should be friends with someone who would do this to me.