My personal relationship with gender dysphoria, an integration of the mind and the body

TW?: wordings such as "biological", "anatomy", "wrong body"; albeit no graphic descriptions, rather a holistic and positive approach

Hello all, I am a 20-year-old, curious individual, who wants to share a feeling and a wave of thoughts that I have bore within me, for many years, of which I can finally articulate in a concise way, despite the limitation of complex wording.

I actually have never posted on reddit, so gently nudge me to the respective community if this doesn't align with this one's goal!

To preface, I am not seeking medical advice, as I plan to have conversations with sexologists and gender-affirming doctors who will guide me through this journey personally and medically. My goal is to validate anyone who, in case, may be struggling to understand themselves - but remember, the trans identity is deeply individualized. Take care of yourselves.

Now, I believe I am a trans-masculine individual. I am born with female characteristics, of which I retain to this day, as I have not went ahead with any medical treatment.

When I was 15-16, so about 5 or 4 years ago, I realized that I was trans. And I did express such feelings, but I was focused on the wrong things: frustration, hate, inadequacy. I needed a "fix" while I was in a high-stakes, dangerous home environment. The only other people I spoke with, were my therapists, of which I had veeeery reluctantly trusted.

I am still very young, learning, exploring. And that's exactly what brings me such clarity.

Years of self-hate... turn to self-wonder.

Personally, I no longer deem myself, "born in the wrong body", per se. Instead, I deem myself, learning, my body. Getting to know my body, much beyond its external appearance. I deeply value it, for what it provides me, for maintaining health, balance, withstanding challenge, in such a beautifully natural manner.

The very fact that I was born into this body, is in & of itself, raw evidence that it truly belongs to me, just as I belong to it. And to change it aesthetically, to align it with my own visualized self-perception... is to nurture it, NOT to punish it.

And therefore, all changes I consider to make, especially ones that are irreversible and permanent, shall be done in a way that respects my biological anatomy, characteristics, cellular function and repair, and inflammation management. To challenge my body's homeostasis within its rightful bounds. Receiving medical, and gender-affirming care, is challenging to the body.

And this gender-affirming care shall be reflected in a manner that allows my mind and body to cooperate and harmonize. The two are inseparable entities, deeply connected and dependent on each other's signals and communication - and that includes stress inflicted on one or the other.

I stopped hating myself. But this didn't happen overnight either, and it is an ongoing self-discovery, to find out the best long-lasting care available, that ensures my safety and wellbeing for the many, many following years - both body, and gender-wise. I gently drifted away from negative self-talk, "ugh, annoying, lagre chest" - even typing this out breaks my heart, because I value my body, beyond its traditionally "womanly" traits.

And so I will not "fix" an inherent "brokenness". This journey shall be handled with the grace it needs, it is to evolve a further collaboration between my mind and body.

Practically speaking, I will look into this alongside professionals, favoring a low-and-slow approach, so I can also get the chance to monitor any markers of potential danger, beyond hormone levels (e.g. blood tests and metabolic status). Because I will nourish my body, not shock it.

You are all welcome to share your own experiences and thoughts below, because it's such an important topic, to acknowledge gender-affirming care, as, care. ❤️