Am I the problem, am I settling?

I am a 23F and feel completely stuck and honestly a bit scared that I’m about to make the wrong decision with long-term consequences.

I’ve been in a relationship for almost 5 years. Living together for 4 years. We got together quite young, and I’ve basically never been single since I was 15 (always had different relationships). That already makes this harder because I don’t fully trust my own judgment.

My boyfriend is, on paper, a very “good” partner, he is financially stable, loyal (never cheated) and supportive in practical ways, also he offers a clear future (house, stability..)

But emotionally and physically, something has always felt off.

The biggest issue is communication, he gets defensive sometimes and I feel like I’m always explaining myself and trying to make him understand my feelings and I don’t feel deeply desired. And I’m not even sure I ever truly did. And he admitted that he was actually not that attracted to me from the beginning but thought I’m a nice person.

Our sex life has been bad from the beginning (very limited, one position only in 5 years, gave me oral only once and I often got rejected when I initiated. Now he wants to change it but it doesn’t feel the same anymore and I don’t understand why he couldn’t do it in this 5 years).

He told me my weight gain (due to a hormonal condition) affected his attraction, and he minimized how hard it is for me to lose weight..

When I bring up things that hurt me, he often denies saying them or explains them in a way that makes me question myself and I think maybe he is right.

I’ve felt like I had to “pull” emotional effort from him. When I revisit unresolved issues, he says that I “can’t let things go”, so we can’t move on like this.

In almost 5 years, I was never integrated into his social life (I don’t know any of his friends personally and he never wanted to tell me why but at this point we had a huge fight and I begged him to tell me, he said I wouldn’t get along with them and there was just never a good time but now he wants to do it..)

There were also some more serious situations like during conflicts, he has physically intimidated me (not hitting, but coming at me fast, pushing, breaking my t-shirt)

When we got a cat (which he agreed to), he couldn’t handle it and this led to extreme fights, and I eventually had to give the cat to my parents..He once kicked the carrier with the cat inside, which still doesn’t sit right with me and at times during fights, he packed my things and then packed it out the next day acting all kind and said sorry. On top of that, he is generally quite negative and struggles with depression, which affects the relationship dynamic a lot. He does some weird things, he doesn’t like the way I swallow and he says it’s too loud which led me to pay attention to how loud I swallow when I’m around people. He doesn’t like sometimes the tone of voice I speak in. And he would tell me to speak in a cute way because he doesn’t like it, it triggers him.

But he cooks, washes the dishes, gives me car rides, and helps me financially and I can live in his house..overall nice, sometimes pays attention to small things but I think my standards are too low. He said I will be surprised if I leave him that my standards are too high and I will regret it. He also said he could easily get a woman but here he is, still messing with me. He also said that I will regret leaving him cuz then I’d have to find a place to live and pay for it and no one would cook for me…I mean he is right..but how could he say these during fights? I mean we all say bad things during fights to those we love..but I don’t know. I am very confused. I’ve never been this confused in my life.

What I think my problem is, is that I gained 20 kgs due to a hormonal issue (lost 10kgs since), and I think this affected my confidence and what I believed I “deserve”. For reference I’m 180 cm and 85kg currently (started at 95 kg).

I realize I might be very validation-driven and I crave feeling desired and I’ve never really been alone, so I might be afraid of being single

But what changed everything is that I recently moved abroad for a year (which he wasn’t supportive of initially, he said things like “oh you’re leaving me all alone”). But being alone, I feel happier. Lighter. More myself. It’s amazing..And I am not sure if these things mentioned above (like the swallowing and tone of voice stuff) disappeared just because of the distance and I’m afraid it would come back once we live together again.

I also had a one-time hookup. I never did such thing because I was cheated on before…And for the first time in a long time, I felt desired and seen. It honestly shook me.

I told my boyfriend everything and said I might want to break up. He showed up unannounced in my host country, talked to my parents before, and tried to fix things. That also felt like a boundary violation to me. I feel that I should have felt a big romantic wave that he came to see me.

Also my parents tell me I’m too young and I would regret not choosing safety and money later. Because it’s hard for a woman to live on her own. So I don’t get much support from them either and since they are my parents I think they might be right and I don’t actually know how hard life is.

We are currently not really talking because things became too heavy and unresolved. And we don’t know what to do.

Now there’s also someone new who is more expressive, playful, we have strong chemistry, I feel more desired and seen. But ofc it’s inconsistent, we’re in the talking stage and I’ve realized I’ve never really been in talking stages before. All my past relationships started really fast, became a couple in a few weeks and moving in together in 5-6 months.

So I feel stuck between a stable relationship where something important feels missing and a new connection that feels exciting but uncertain.

Am I just someone who gets bored in stable relationships and am I chasing intensity and ignoring stability? I also ask myself did I settle too early without knowing myself?

Or am I sabotaging something that’s actually good?

And the most important thing, is it normal that long-term relationships feel “boring”? Or is this not what a healthy relationship should feel like? I know there are ups and downs in a long-term relationship.

I also notice a pattern in myself..I feel like I need another option to feel safe leaving. That makes me question myself even more.

What I want long-term is one partner with strong emotional AND physical connection and stability AND desire. But I don’t know if that’s realistic or if I’m chasing something idealized. And does sex always get this bad in long term relationships?

I’m genuinely asking for honest perspectives, does this sound like a “me problem” or does this sound like incompatibility / deeper issues in my relationship? or both?

What would you do in my position?

I feel scared because I’m afraid of regret in both directions.