i don’t know

i feel like i’m looking for an excuse to relapse, i just hate feeling so insecure and unwanted by people who i thought would understand me the best. my bf was talking to other girls before we started dating and he said “we were just friends” but we said we loved each other and we touched and spent days next to each other, i just don’t understand how he could’ve said he loved me when there was another girl he would say he missed. we were “just friends” to him i guess but i thought we were something more before we even got together officially, he did nothing wrong since we weren’t dating but why doesn’t he understand how i feel? i just want to cut myself and fall asleep instead of saying the same lines over and over in my head about this , but he gets upset when i cut myself, he wants me to talk to him before i do, but he never understands why i feel this way and i just don’t know how to explain why i feel the need to cut myself. i hate myself.